Metal Gear Zeal
by James Elrick
Summary: Snake goes off to South America to take on a team of mercenaries code named "ZEAL" and to stop the new Metal Gear. To bad he is surounded by morons. Read and Review.
1. Pointless Random Disclaimer

  
  
Title: Metal Gear Zeal  
  
Written By: Elrickian  
  
Edited By: MisterGray

Commentary By: Elrickian, MisterGray, and KittyOzimer  
  
E-Mail:   
  
AIM: JimBelmont07  
  
Started: February 19, 2003  
  
Finished: June 4, 2003  
  
This fanfiction is based on Konami's Metal Gear series. I don't own the rights to Metal Gear, so please don't sue me. Also, I am not connected with Konami in anyway, so this story is NOT what really happened. Its just fiction, so deal with it.  
  
This Fanfiction is rated R for a reason. This fic contains strong language, drug references, mature themes, and violence. If you have problems with any of these, don't read.  
  
For you to know, this story takes place in the year 2008, which is three years after the events in Metal Gear Solid. This story also takes the place of Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty. Even though it was an awesome game, the plot of this game requires that MGS2 did not exist. Anyways, to understand some of the jokes, it's best if you are fairly familiar with both MGS and MGS2, due to a lot of the jokes are references to them.  
  
Finally, please review.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1- Watch out for snakes!  
  
It was a hot summer day. The kind of day you wished you were at home resting, relaxing, or just chilling out in a nice room with an air conditioner. It's also the kind of day some asshole you work for sends you out in the middle of the friggin' jungle. But that's beside the point. Our story takes place in some random South American jungle you usually hear about on the news when there's a drug bust, and the morons at ABC find it "breaking". Two soliders are walking down a dirt path (a pretty crappy one if I do say so myself), talking about random things.  
  
Solider A: (Do you actually think I would name some unimportant character?) So, when she spread her legs, I said "Man that's a big pussy! Man that's a big pussy!" My girlfriend then asked "Why did you say it twice?" and I said, "I didn't."  
  
Solider B: HAHAHA! That's some great shit man.  
  
Solider A: Of Course its great shit! I'm a fuckin' comedic genius!  
  
Since they are being all loud and bothersome-like, they fail to notice the movement above them. Before they realize anything, a man wearing a sexy, skin-tight [I'm not gay, damn it! I swear! Are you denying it?! HUH?! Let's arm wrestle! I'm the alpha male! ALPHA MALE!] sneaking suit jumps down from the trees, landing on one of the soldiers, which ends up either knocking him unconscious or killing him. I'm too lazy to decide which. He then breaks the other soldier's neck. He stares down the road and sees what appears to be a cave. Oh, and of course, the only man cool, skillful, and sexy-as-butter enough to do such a thing is none other than Solid Snake. He stares at the cave.  
  
Snake: So. This is the enemy base? A cave. Pretty gay cave if you ask me. What the hell. You didn't.  
  
He gets in the "codec crouch", (You know, where Snake gets in that crouch to use his codec. Why is it he crouches? Is it because he does not want to be seen? Is it because that's the only way the codec works? Or is it because he is too fuckin' lazy to stand up? Only God and Solid Snake know, and because of that there will be no way in hell we'll ever find out why. Anyway!) and dials the frequency on what ever the fuck he dials on. It does the lil beep beep noise and.  
  
China Man: 'Ello! Dis is Ming's Chinese food! 'Ow may I be of service to you!  
  
Snake: What the?!  
  
China Man: 'Ello?  
  
Snake: Who the hell are you?  
  
China Man: What you want order?  
  
Snake: Shit! I dialed the wrong number! Damn this little dialing thingy!  
  
China Man: 'ELLO?!  
  
Snake abruptly hangs up and dials the correct number. All he gets is a busy signal.  
  
Snake: What the hell? How can Otacon's codec be busy?  
  
Well, the most educated guess is that Otacon is having phone sex over the codec. With who? How the hell should I know.  
  
Snake: Damnit!  
  
Some time later, we see another man, in a skull suit though, sneaking through the jungle. He more looks like he is some beach boy bimbo rather than some hard ass military dude, mainly due to the fact he looks like a girl, and he has light blond hair down to his shoulders. And that only means one thing. For some reason, Raiden was sent here. What the hell type of name is Raiden anyway! What the hell does it mean?! That's not important right now. As the gay ass wearing a wannabe sneaking suit is walking in the jungle, he sees the two dead (Or maybe one is unconscious. I haven't decided yet.) guards lying there. He gets in the "Codec crouch" and dials whatever the hell is used to dial it. A grumpy sounding old man responds on the other side.  
  
Colonel: What is it this time Raiden? You see a mouse?  
  
Raiden: No. I was just calling to tell you that the base is under heavy surveillance.  
  
Well, somehow the people on the other end of the codec can see what the caller is seeing. Don't make sense much, but what the hell does any way?  
  
Colonel: *sigh* Raiden. The guards are dead. That means it is NOT under heavy surveillance. That means someone else is here, doing your job.  
  
Raiden: .Oh.  
  
Colonel: Besides, from the looks of things, the enemy base. Cave rather, is incredibly gay! Who the hell would put this shit hole under heavy surveillance?! I mean come on, Its as gay as you!  
  
Raiden: HEY! Listen, I'm sick and tired of people calling jungle caves gay! THEY ARE NOT! They are just misunderstood, that's all.  
  
Colonel: Raiden, do you realize that I just called you gay?  
  
Raiden: Why yes, I am happy.  
  
Colonel: *sigh* No, I meant gay as in faggot.  
  
Raiden: Did you just call me a cigarette?  
  
Colonel: Forget it. Your mission is as follows: Look for evidence that a new Metal Gear is in development. If so, destroy it. If not. Well. Ahh fuck it! You're probably going to fail and get killed, so why tell you the rest. Go do what ever the hell you want, just don't bother me.  
  
Raiden: Yes sir!  
  
As Raiden does his gay ass little prance to the equally-gay-ass cave, a random person comes out of the bushes. Who is this mysterious man? Is he a guard? A fellow good guy? A telemarketer?! Well, let's find out shall we.  
  
Mystery Man who we hope is the pizza boy: Sir, we have an intruder. Do you want me to stop him?  
  
Other Mystery man on the other line of the two-way radio: Negative. Let him come. He can face the wrath of ZEAL.  
  
Well, till next time kiddies. This is your dysfunctional Author saying good night. [And this is your equally dysfunctional editor telling you all to fuck yourselves. No, really. Masturbation rules.] 


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2- Love at first sight  
  
When we last left off, our hero had just snuck into the gay ass [Gay count: 11] cave, along with the pussy known as Raiden. As the blond bimbo slowly tiptoes down the hall, he notices the trail of bodies on the floor (I still haven't decided whether they are unconscious or dead. I'll get back to you, I swear).  
  
Raiden: Who could have done this, I wonder? [It was the Unabomber!]  
  
He continues to walk slowly down the hall, when he sees two guards turning the corner and spot they him.  
  
Guard A: What the?!  
  
The first guard aims his assault rifle at pretty boy, while the second aims his pistol at him. Raiden runs at them and does a cartwheel, knocking them both over and out.  
  
Raiden: Oh crap! I'm soooo sorry! [I broke a nail!]  
  
Raiden, being the ninny he is, slowly prances off in some random direction. Meanwhile, our hero Snake is has just acquired a pistol. A SOCOM, but of course. He has it holstered and is just beating the crap out of guards or breaking their necks, mainly because he is too cool to always use a gun. It's not sporting to shoot them in the face, but sneaking up behind them and cracking their spines without a chance of being counterattacked is A- OK, right? He then gets in his patented "codec crouch" and dials Otacon again. He gets through this time.  
  
Otacon: Ahoyhoy! [Editor's note: Answer Your phone like that]  
  
Snake: Don't you 'ahoyhoy' me you little bitch! Why the hell was the line busy?!  
  
Otacon: Well. Umm. I was actually. Uh.  
  
Snake:. Phone sex?  
  
Otacon: WHY I WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A-  
  
Snake: Otacon.  
  
Otacon: Yeah. Phone sex.  
  
Snake: Save if for when the fucking mission is done!  
  
Otacon: Okay. I will.  
  
Snake: What intel do you have for me?  
  
Otacon: Well, from what I have gathered, there are four mercenaries who are protecting this base. The base itself is run by a man simply named.Homer.  
  
Snake: Homer?  
  
Otacon: Yeah, Homer.  
  
Snake: These villain names are getting shittier and shittier.  
  
Otacon: Tell me about it. Well, besides the mercenaries, there are at least 150 armed guards.  
  
Snake: 150?!  
  
Otacon: Yeah, the base is gay. Why would there be a lot of guards?  
  
Snake: You have a point. Any info on the new Metal Gear?  
  
Otacon: Just the code name: Sex Toy Gear  
  
Snake: WHAT THE FUCK! You're shitting me!  
  
Otacon: 'Fraid not.  
  
Snake: That's just fucked up.  
  
Otacon: Yeah. Well. I have to run. My sister stopped by for a visit.  
  
Snake: YOU'RE ON A MISSION! TELL HER TO-  
  
In the background of the radio transmission, you hear Emma's voice.  
  
Emma: I'm here Hal! I brought the crotchless leather teddy, whips, and tons of coconut oil!  
  
Snake all of a sudden has a horrified look on his face. Hell, you probably have one too. THE MAN IS GOING TO FUCK HIS SISTER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!  
  
Otacon: Uh. Gotta go bye!!!  
  
The transmission ends as Snake continues to look horrified. He pulls out a note pad from his pocket and scribbles "Find a new partner". Meanwhile, Raiden is walking through a hallway full of (I have decided to go half and half.how I like my women.) dead and knocked out guards. He walks into a room, and sees a radio. He walks over to it and begins to fiddle with the dials, hoping to find Nsync. Instead, he hears a conversation between two people.  
  
Raiden: Interesting.  
  
???: Have you found the intruder yet?  
  
???: No, I'm sorry Homer. We haven't. Another problem has arisen, though.  
  
Homer: What now?  
  
???: We found out that there is another intruder as well.  
  
Homer: Two of them. Then I suggest you and your men work twice as hard to catch these two people.  
  
???: Yes sir.  
  
Homer: Tell me Jackal, how is the prototype coming? [Oh, its "coming" fast, and hard, and loud."  
  
Jackal: It is going along well sir. This new Metal Gear may be more powerful than Rex. Homer: That is what I am aiming for. But back to the subject of the intruders, can you place Bee at the entrance to Basement level 1? She will most certainly stop them if what I heard is correct.  
  
Jackal: Yes, she probably will. It will be a shame that I don't get to test my skills against this opponent.  
  
Homer: Yes. Well I'll let you get back to your work.  
  
Jackal: Yes sir. Over and out.  
  
Raiden: Interesting.  
  
Raiden then hears some noises down the hall. He picks up a side arm, a Glock 17, off of one of the dead guards and runs towards the noise. In a room, he sees Snake breaking the neck of a random guard. As Raiden sees Snake, his eyes turn into pink hearts (Told ya he was gay) and his eyes drift down to Snake's ass. [Which, mind you, is pretty sexy. I'm a guy, and even I have to admit it.] Snake finishes the job, turns around and Raiden looks at Snake's face.  
  
Snake: The hell you looking at!  
  
Raiden: Nothing!  
Tune in next time for Chapter 3. 


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3- Masochism and the Raiden  
  
When we last left our duo, Raiden was going gaga over Snake.and who can blame him.  
  
Snake: The hell you looking at!  
  
Raiden: Nothing!  
  
Snake: Look at me again like that and I will kill you.  
  
Raiden: Who are you?  
  
Snake: That's none of your fucking business now is it?  
  
Raiden: I geuss not. Tell me, do you happen to know anything about the new Metal Gear?  
  
Snake: You mean Sex Toy Gear?  
  
Raiden: SEX TOY!!!  
  
Snake: It's a just a codename damnit! So people listening in on to their conversation don't know what it is!  
  
Raiden: DARN!  
  
Snake and Raiden stare at each other, then Raiden realizes what he said and blushes.  
  
Raiden: Umm. My girlfriend! Yeah! Girlfriend! She uh. Needed a new toy! Yeah that's it! My girlfriend needed a new sex toy so I got excited cause then she would get off my back. You know how women are.  
  
Snake:. That has to be one of the crappiest lies I have ever heard.  
  
Raiden: It's the honest truth! Really! It is.  
  
Snake: What ever. Who the hell sent you anyway.  
  
Raiden: That is not for me to reveal. Its classi-  
  
Snake: Ah. Foxhound.  
  
Raiden: How did you know?  
  
Snake: I know lots of things.  
  
Raiden: You do! Tell me, do you know of a place which has good leather. I mean good beer. Yeah.  
  
Snake: Yeah, but I'm not gonna tell you.  
  
Raiden: Damn.  
  
Raiden then hears that gay little beeping noise in his ear when some one calls on the codec. I don't know how could he bear with it. I mean seriously! It's a fucking beeping thing! Not a ring, a fucking beep! It sounds like a fucking alarm clock! Speaking of alarm clocks, I HATE THEM! They are so fucking pointless. They beep (or buzz) forcing you to get out of bed, and turn it off! Then you're so fucking sleepy, you get back into bed and sleep. Before you know it, you have wasted a whole fucking day sleeping. That is time you coulda been walking your dog. Speaking of which, I have dog named Indiana. He is such a stupid little shit. He barks at every little thing, hell, even me! I'm his fucking owner for christ's sake! If I was Vietnamese, I would eat the damn thing! Now, where was I. Ah yes. Well, Raiden heard that beep (which you now know how much I oh-so-hate), and pushed what ever button there is to answer.  
  
Raiden: Raiden here.  
  
Colonel: Raiden, how is everything coming along.  
  
Raiden: Pretty good so far.  
  
As he turns around to look at Snake, he is gone. It appears that Snake ditched the faggot, but hey I don't blame him. Come on! Look at Raiden! He looks like a fuckin' girl for cryin' out loud!  
  
Raiden: What the hell?  
  
Colonel: *sigh* Yes Raiden, when two girls begin to have sex it is called Lesbianism. I know you gay people would get frightened, confused, or disturbed by it, but most men enjoy looking at two hot wet women fucking each others brains out.  
  
Raiden: Where the hell did that come from and why would happy people get confused by it?  
  
Colonel: Oh. You didn't see lesbian porn. Well, what happened?  
  
Raiden: Well I saw this guy,  
  
Colonel: Oh god.  
  
Raiden: Wearing a skin-tight sneaking suit  
  
Colonel: Shit.  
  
Raiden: And he was muscular..  
  
Colonel: THERE IS NO GOD!!!!!  
  
Raiden: And he just disappeared.  
  
Colonel: NOOOOOO!!! STOP HIM NOW!!!!!  
  
Raiden: You finished?  
  
Colonel: Yes. Now I am. Tell me, did he look like a bad ass and have a bandanna?  
  
Raiden: Yes.  
  
Colonel: It was Solid Snake. The legendary soldier who you will never compare to.  
  
Raiden: Legendary, eh? Hmm. I've always wanted anal from a legend.  
  
Colonel: Stop that. Just make yourself useful and sit in a corner or something while he takes care of everything.  
  
Raiden: Never! I will not let the skills of a better soldier get in the way of me accomplishing my goals! I am an American. I am proud, and have a great sense of honor to everything I am set out to do. I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, I may not be the strongest, but I sure can try my darndest to do the best I can!  
  
Colonel: That's exactly what a loser would say.  
  
Raiden: Over and out sir!  
  
Raiden stops his communication after that stupid outburst about patriotism and whatnot. Geez. What a fucking boor. All he did was yak yak yak yak yak! What a fuckin' lame ass! Anyway. Raiden exits the room. Now let's switch to something more interesting, shall we? Snake is sneaking along the corridor, and he sees a door with a label saying "To Basement 1".  
  
Snake: Wow. How fucking convenient.  
  
As Snake heads to the door, a woman's voice calls out: "Hold it right there!" He turns to see a woman. And what a woman. Great tits, great legs, great face, and a great ass. She is wearing a white, see through blouse (But god damnit, she is wearing a fucking bra. I will kill the person who invented them), a black mini skirt (very mini if I might add) and her hair is up in a bun.  
  
???: Well hello Solid Snake. Are you ready?  
Ready! READY FOR WHAT! SEX! BOOZE! DRUGS! ALL THREE!!! Well, if your curious, tune in next week. Oh, and for you people keeping track, there have been around 73 words you probably shouldn't say in front of your mother. This is your fucked up author saying Good night, have shitty dreams. [Or wet ones about Solid Snake. Oh baby, I know why they call him that. I'M NOT GAY, I SWEAR!] 


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4- Is that a Snake in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?  
  
Sadly, she wasn't ready for sex, booze, or drugs. But she was ready for killin', and random violence sure makes up for the lack of booze and sex!  
  
Snake: Well. Hello there.  
  
???: Cut the crap Solid Snake.  
  
Snake: Feisty aren't we. Tell me babe, what is your name?  
  
???: My name is Bee.Spelling Bee.  
  
Snake: Well doll face, you already seem to. Did you just say Spelling Bee.?  
  
Bee: Yes.  
  
Snake: What type of name is Spelling Bee?  
  
Bee: It's 'cause I am an ex-fourth grade teacher whose favorite subject was spelling. I use it to my advantage.  
  
Snake: How?  
  
Bee: Well. Uh. Ya see.  
  
She then pulls out a 9mm and fires at Snake, obviously pissed at the fact Snake had proven that speling [Oh, the irony!] serves no point in battle. Doesn't serve any purpose in life if ya ask me.Back to the subject, because he is Snake he easily avoids the shots. And just to piss all you folks off at this wonderful site, we jump to pretty boy. As he walks down the hall, he sees a bird in a cage. He walks over to the cage.  
  
Raiden: Awwwww. How cute. Polly want a cracker?  
  
Bird: Fuck off, faggot.  
  
Raiden: Oooh. What a naughty lil birdy. You're so cute though.  
  
He opens the cage to play with it and the bird begins attacking Raiden. Back to the fight. Well, after ten minutes of fighting, Snake turned it into a bout of sudden wild unplanned sex. Yeah, right there on the fucking floor. It's 'cause he is Snake, man. He is the sexiest thing on the planet. Except for butter. Which is not as sexy as buttered toast. Well, as they lay there on the floor, Bee begins a conversation.  
  
Bee: Was it as good for you as it was for me?  
  
Snake: No, it wasn't even close. But this coffee...orgasmic.  
  
Snake begins drinking a cup of coffee as Bee looks extremely depressed, she runs off crying, forgetting her clothes. Man, look at those breasts jiggle. It's like jello.but tits.  
  
Snake: Well, another pair of panties for my collection.  
  
Snake puts his pants on as Raiden walks in. He sees Snake, and starts going gaga again, but quickly realizes that Snake will kill him.  
  
Raiden: Hello Snake?  
  
Snake turns and sees pretty boy.  
  
Snake: Ahh fuck. It's you. What do you want?  
  
Raiden: What happened?  
  
Snake: I fucked Bee, then made her all depressed and the like. She is probably gonna commit suicide.  
  
Raiden: SUICIDE?! WE have to stop her!  
  
Snake: Fuck that. I'm going to basement level 1.  
  
Raiden: DON'T YOU CARE THAT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING IS GONNA DIE!!!  
  
Snake:. Lemme think..Nope.  
  
Raiden: You're an asshole.  
  
Snake: And you're a faggot.  
  
Raiden: Why is every one calling me a cigarette?!  
  
Snake, having finished putting his clothes and gear on, walks over to the door and opens it. He then sees five guards walking up the stairs  
  
Guard A: HEY!  
  
Snake: Fuck.  
  
Snake turns to run as they hear footsteps running up the stairs.  
  
Raiden: Why are we running?  
  
Snake: So we can ambush them!  
  
Raiden: Oh.  
  
All five guards run after the two  
  
Guard B: Stop right there, you bastard!  
  
Guard: HALT!  
  
Raiden, feeling all giddy that he is being chased by men, proceeds to scream with glee, "Tee-hee! Come chase me, you big dumb brutes!" The lisp could put a snake to shame.no, not THAT snake. He's not gay. The reptilian kind, asshole. Anyways, he then realizes he is saying it in front of Snake and clears his throat, acting like nothing happened. Snake turns around, firing five shots capping all five soldiers right between the eyes. How did he accomplish such a feat so quickly you ask? Its cause he has mad skillZ, [With a Z, no less!] yo.  
  
Raiden: Man, you're good.  
  
Snake: Come on Nancy, we're burning daylight. Guards who didn't know we were here now know 'cause of the shots.  
  
Raiden: Ok. Onwards, to basement level 1!  
  
Yeah. It was short. Yeah. Not as much humor as before. But what can I say other than I am fucking lazy and saving the good shit for later on. Hell, there are still three mercenaries, Sex Toy Gear, and a plot twist coming up. What is the plot twist? How the fuck should I know! It's the middle of the night and I am just saying things so you will piss off. Also, What perils await our hero and damsel? [And yes, sadly, Raiden IS the damsel of this story.y'know, maybe, with enough makeup and some surgery, Raiden could be hot.AGH! What am I saying?!] Find out next time either on "Raiden's Request" or "Flamingo's tips"! [Or, if the surgery goes as planned, "Raiden's Breasts" or "Flamboyant Hips".I paid to have both put in, if he's gonna act like a chick he may as well look like one, ne?] 


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5- ¡Los pingüinos enojados minúsculos malvados están robando los remnints pasados de mi cordura mientras que canta "soy un poco pote del té" al revés en latín! [This chapter brought to you by The Feces Advisory Board. "Be careful, people do some crazy shit these days."]  
  
Well, they have now made it to basement level 1. Who would have thought that Raiden would survive that long? Anyways, they are now there. Hmm. I wonder what zany adventures will happen to them this time.  
  
Snake: Be on your guard. One of those assholes can come out at any given moment.  
  
Of course, Raiden, being the gay person that he is is not paying attention. He is too busy staring at Snakes sexy ass. Can you blame him! [Better watch out, Snake.don't bend over.]  
  
Snake: Wait!  
  
Snake stops suddenly and stares down the corridor. Raiden stops only cause the ass he was following had stopped moving. Snake looks closely, and sees blood all over the walls and floor. He sees at around ten dead guards lying in different places. They have bullet wounds everywhere: head, arms, chest, legs, crotch (I said everywhere didn't I?). It's a total mess.  
  
Snake: What the hell?  
  
Raiden looks up, and almost vomits. Snake turns and looks at him.  
  
Snake: What? You never see a bit of claret?  
  
Raiden: What? What the hell is claret?  
  
Snake: Blood stupid! You never see blood before?  
  
Raiden: I have to! Just not this much before. What could have done this?  
  
Snake: I don't know. But what ever did this must have done it while we were taking care of the guards upstairs.  
  
Raiden: Why do you say that?  
  
Snake: Use the brains god gave you! Wait. I forgot you have none.  
  
Raiden: What was that?!  
  
Snake: If it did it before, the guards we fought would have been dead. If he did it after, we would be dealing with him.  
  
Raiden: Good point.  
  
Snake: I think we should split up.  
  
Raiden: Why?! You said it could be still here! That means we might run into it!  
  
Snake: So?  
  
Raiden: We would stand a better chance against it if we took it on together!  
  
Snake: Listen; there are two ways to get to basement level 2. The east and west stairways. Not counting the elevator, but we don't have access to it.  
  
Raiden: So?  
  
Snake: I go to the west, you go to the east. Either of us hear gunshots, we run in the towards them. We can also keep in contact by codec.  
  
Raiden: Ok. Fine. What's your frequency?  
  
Snake: Ask Campbell. I got yours from Otacon.  
  
Raiden: How would Colonel know?  
  
Snake: He and I go way back.  
  
Raiden: Ok. Will do.  
  
Snake walks off towards the west. Raiden, staring after him. Raiden then slowly walks towards the east. He walks past the corpses of dead soldiers. Feeling pity for them, he tries not to look. After a couple of minutes, he spots the stairwell to get to basement level 2. He gets in the "codec crouch" and dials Campbell.  
  
Colonel: What Raiden?  
  
Raiden: Sir, all of the guards so far on basement level 1 are dead.  
  
Colonel: Must have been the thought of you coming down. They couldn't bear to have you think of them in a homosexual way. [Homosexual references of some variety by this point: countless]  
  
Raiden: Colonel, this is serious! They are covered in bullet holes!  
  
Colonel: Interesting.  
  
Raiden: They didn't have a chance, sir! Snake went to the west stairwell while I went to the east in hopes of finding him.  
  
Colonel: Typical Snake. Ditching the annoying faggot. You shouldn't trust him.  
  
Raiden: Why not? I got the impression from him that you were friends once?  
  
Colonel: Times change Raiden. People change. You should know that. It's hard to imagine, but I bet at one time you were a straight normal child, not the gay she-man you have become.  
  
Raiden: Why do people keep calling me happy!  
  
Colonel: Raiden, Raiden, Raiden. Don't you ever learn? Call me back when you gain more information.  
  
Colonel hangs up the codec. Raiden gets an angry look on his face. He looks like he could use some laxatives. He walks towards the stairs, and he hears a gunshot. But it's not from the other side of the complex. Its right behind him. A bit of concrete shatters, and flies up. Raiden spins around, raising his gun. But stops when he sees that the barrel of a gun is pointed directly into his face.  
  
Raiden: Drat.  
  
It is a guard. Behind the guard are five more, and an other man. He is a tall man, Caucasian with a tan, short black hair, and his holding what looks to be a baseball bat. He is wearing a sports coat, white dress shirt, and black pants. Damn.Talk about a rich white guy.  
  
Rich white guy: Hello Raiden. [Alternate dialogue: "Ah, Raiden. I should've known it was you, my gaydar was going off the charts."]  
  
He has the same voice which as on the radio.  
  
Raiden: You must be Jackal.  
  
Jackal: Ah, good. No need for introductions. That saves some time.  
  
The guard who was closest to Raiden hits him in the face with the butt of his gun. The last thing he hears before blacking out is:  
  
Jackal: Good, we now have them both. Homer shall be pleased.  
  
Well. This blows. Really. If both are captured, does that mean this is over with. Come back next week for Chapter 6. [Yeah. Do it. If you've already read this far, then you must have nothing left to lose.] 


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6- Money for Nothing  
  
Well, when we last left off it seemed that it was hopeless for the duo. But of course, just like in every damn game, story, or movie ever made they will most likely get out of it. Right.Well, we shall start off with Snake. He is in handcuffs, and being escorted along a hallway. Two double doors open, revealing a fairly large room. The floor, unlike the rest of the complex (which is stone), is wooden which shows how much of an asshole he is. I mean come on; his fucking floor is wooden while the rest of the complex has to be stone. How gay is that. The walls are like a normal office. There are bookshelves packed with books, and a desk in the middle of the room. On the desk are a computer, some papers, and a phone. Behind that is a swivel chair.  
  
Guard: Boss. We have brought him.  
  
The swivel chair spins around, revealing a man. For some odd reason he is stroking a roll of toilet paper with ^__^ scribbled on it with black marker. The man is your typical rejected James Bond villain: he is bald, wearing an eye patch over his right eye, wearing a grey suit, and has a Hitler mustache and a goatee.  
  
???: Good evening, Mr. Snake.  
  
Snake stares at the roll of toilet paper with a look of confusion. Hell, I would too.  
  
???: As you can see, our budget this year was a wee bit low.  
  
Snake: Uh. So you got a roll of toilet paper?  
  
???: He isn't just any roll of toilet paper. He is Hugo Butterbum. He is incredibly soft. Besides, all of our money has been pouring into the development of Sex Toy Gear.  
  
Snake: Ah yes. The new Metal Gear with the gay ass name. How is that coming by the way?  
  
???: It is finished. Ready to launch at anytime.  
  
Snake: What do you want to do with it?  
  
???: I want to get my revenge!  
  
Snake: On?  
  
???: *Sniff* I want to get my revenge on the world! The bastards canceled "Full House"! How could they! Uncle Jessie was so great! He wasn't just great! He was hot!  
  
Snake: What the hell? You're one fucked-up person.  
  
???: Silence! You have no right to say these things in front of me! I, Homer, am this world's God! Your GOD!  
  
Snake: Ah! So you're that villain with the stupid ass name. Oh, and I'm an atheist, so your not my god baldy.  
  
Homer: SILENCE YOU FUCK TART!!!  
  
Snake: What the hell is a fuck tart? Is it like a pop tart and I don't want to know how the flavor got in there?  
  
Homer: Well. Ya see. SHUT UP!!! Guards! Place him in the torture room with the other one!  
  
The guards drag Snake away from the office. About five minutes later, a door opens and Snake is thrown into what ever room he was placed in.  
  
Raiden: What took you so long?  
  
Snake turns around, to see Raiden strapped to a chair. He is in his underwear. Nothing else. (Ewwwwwwwww.)  
  
Snake: What the fuck happened to you?  
  
Raiden: I woke up like this. Wait a minute! I'm strapped here! You're not! Quickly Snake, whip me like a bad pony!  
  
Snake: What the?!  
  
Raiden: You heard me!  
  
Snake: SHUT THE FUCK UP! THAT'S SICK!  
  
Raiden: Oh...That yelling.You're the dominant kind aren't you? Treat me bad, Snake.  
  
Snake: You're fucking messed up.  
  
Raiden: Yes I am. So for that you must PUNISH ME like a naughty schoolgirl! Dress me up like a girl scout, and whip me with a sock full of chicken fat! I've been BAD.and it feels GOOD.  
  
Well, before Snake has to deal with any more of Raiden wanting to be whipped like a "bad pony", they hear gunshots outside. Raiden and Snake look at the door. The door kicks open, and they see a twisted sight. It's Ocelot! (Wow. Who woulda guessed?)  
  
Snake: FUCK! Ocelot!  
  
Ocelot is wearing a black leather jacket, a white T-shirt, black cargo pants, and his hair is cut. It is not down to his shoulders, but now it is short. Also, he has a metallic tint to him. There is a bullet hole in his chest, and small sparks are coming out of it. He is carrying a Desert Eagle .50.  
  
Ocelot: Come vith me if you vant to live.  
  
He says it in a German accent. A deep German accent. Now I wanna know, what the fuck is going on here. This is absurd. This story is totally bastardizing anything it can get its hands on. Who the fuck wrote this! Oh wait. That would be me. Hehe.  
  
Snake: What the? Who the hell are you?  
  
Ocelot: I am T-800.596 ¾. Otherwise known as.Cyber Ocelot.  
  
Snake: What the?  
  
Ocelot: I vill not repeat myself. Come vith me if you vant to live.  
  
Snake walks towards Ocelot. They look like they are gonna abandon Raiden.  
  
Raiden: Hey! What about me!  
  
Ocelot stares at him seriously.  
  
Ocelot: Negative. You're too big of a risk for me to handle.  
  
Raiden: WHAT!!!!  
  
Snake: Normally I would agree, but we need him. He can be good bait.  
  
Ocelot thinks about this for a second. Then 2. Then 3. Around 10 minutes later, he makes up his mind. (So we now see the German Robots are just as stupid as the German humans.)  
  
Ocelot: All right.  
  
He walks over to Raiden, and then breaks the straps. To the chair.  
  
Ocelot: Hurry, ve must get to basement level 5. If we do not stop Sex Toy Gear, dar vorld vill be in grave peril.  
  
Snake: Where are we?  
  
Ocelot: Ve are back on floor 1, ja.  
  
Snake: Shit, this will be a lot of work.  
  
Ocelot: Affirmative. The biggest challenge is that ve have to go to floor 5 to get the key card. Da only vay to access basement level 5 is by keycard. Ve ave to take a special elevator, then open the blast doors.  
  
Raiden: When will this mission end!  
  
It will end whenever I say so you cocky little shit! MUWAHAHAHA! That or when people start saying this sucks. Tune in next week for more fucked up adventures of the duo. Wait. It's a trio now. Ok. So tune in next week for more fucked up adventures of the trio. 


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7- Spicy German Pastries  
  
Oh my god! This is the seventh time I have updated this! What the hell! I can't believe it. Who would have thought this could have continued. Where was I. Oh yes. Raiden was bitching about the mission, Ocelot acted like the terminator, and Snake was being his usual bad ass self. Hmm. Ok. Our duo, which is now a trio, heads for the elevator, which will take them to floor 5. They make it, killing random guards as they go along.  
  
Snake: So, Just up to floor 5, then to sub-level 5 right?  
  
Ocelot: Ja.  
  
Snake pushes the button near the elevator to bring it to them.  
  
Snake: All right. I will go to floor 5, get the key card, meet you back down here, and then we can get the flying Philadelphia fuck out of here.  
  
Raiden: So I'm stuck here with chrome dome?  
  
Snake stares at Raiden. Ocelot pulls out his Desert Eagle.  
  
Ocelot: Vant me to terminate him?  
  
Raiden: What?!  
  
Snake: Nah. As I said, he would be good bait. But if he gives ya problems, then you can kick the shit out of him.  
  
Ocelot: Affirmative.  
  
Raiden: Snake. I'm beginning to like you less and less.  
  
Snake: Good. That means you won't be staring at my ass.  
  
Raiden: I never stared at your ass! That's a damn lie!  
  
Snake: Ocelot, did you see Raiden stare at my ass?  
  
Ocelot: Affirmative.  
  
Snake: My theory is correct.  
  
Raiden: Oh my god! Snake.we're arguing! Do you know what this means?  
  
Snake: That I hate you?  
  
Raiden: No, silly! It means we're a real couple!  
  
When the elevator arrives, Snake bolts into it.  
  
Snake: You two kids behave now.  
  
The doors close. The ride to the 5th floor was long. The elevator creaked its way up. Hell, my grandma runs faster! And she has no legs! That was partially my fault, actually.anyways! Well, when he arrives at the 5th floor, he sees a door straight ahead. There is a map to his left. He looks at it. It says Data Room straight ahead, prison left, Hooters right. Snake was extremely tempted to go to Hooters, but he remembered that the mission comes first. He walks forward, and opens the door to the data room. There are a bunch of computers in this room. Other than that, no people. He though a piece of paper on a desk. It appeared to be a list of prisoners. He glanced over it, got into his "codec crouch", and dialed Otacon.  
  
Otacon: This is Batman.  
  
Snake: It's me, you 'tardbucket. Tell me if any of these names ring a bell.  
  
Otacon: Well. Hmm. One of them is some Cuban drug lord, one of them is a poacher, and one of them is Uncle Jessie from "Full House".and man, that guy was hot.  
  
Snake: What?! Now you too! I thought you were straight!  
  
Otacon: I am, but he is still hot. I mean, everyone else on that show was ugly. Except for him. He was hot. He was great! I mean, c'mon! Look at those pecks!  
  
Snake: Whatever. Any one else?  
  
Otacon: Yeah. It looks like the daughter of Frank Hammond is here.  
  
Snake: Uh. Who the hell is he?  
  
Otacon: He is one of the best programmers in the world. He could also hack like crazy.  
  
Snake: So.  
  
Otacon: Well, he might have helped program Sex Toy Gear.  
  
Snake: Ah. So your saying the daughter might know about it?  
  
Otacon: Exactly. Find the daughter, and we might be able to stop it without fighting it.  
  
Snake: All right, but I first have to find a key card which will get me access to basement level 5.  
  
Otacon: Well, the head of security's office in the prison on this floor. He should be there.  
  
Snake: Good. He will probably have it.  
  
Snake hangs up. This mission was becoming more and more bullshit. That's all it was. That's all it would ever be. Bullshit. He leaves the data room. While still being tempted to go to Hooters, he turns away and walks down the hall towards the prison cell. He over hears many different conversations. One of which is between an old white guy, and an old Filipino guy. Both of them have gritty, grumpy sounding voices.  
  
???: Chief! See whatcha got us in to, Chief! You shouldn't swear at random people like that, Chief!  
  
Chief: Shut the fuck up, BOY!  
  
???: Chief! You know I'm a commander, Chief. You really shouldn't talk to me like that, Chief! It's like when you used that sailor talk of yours at the cadets, Chief!  
  
Chief: Fuck you!  
  
Commander: Chief! You may have won the battle, but you have not won the war.Chief!  
  
One of the prisoners calls for Snake.  
  
???: Hey! You must get me out of here! I was famous once! These sick people use me as their boy toy! It's totally not cool!  
  
Snake: You're Uncle Jessie, aren't you?  
  
Uncle Jessie: Yes! A fan has come to rescue me!  
  
Snake: Damn! You ARE hot!  
  
Snake, disgusted by being attracted to another man, pulls out his SOCOM and fires a round in Uncle Jessie's face. He walks off shuddering, when a female voice calls for him.  
  
???: Please get me out of here, sir!  
  
He looks at her. She is a pretty good-looking woman. Light brown hair down to her shoulders, green eyes, and a very pretty face.  
  
Snake: Are you Frank Hammond's daughter?  
  
???: Yes! I'm Ashley Hammond!  
  
Snake: Good. I will be right back. I have to get the key for your cell.  
  
Ashley: All right, please hurry though! These bastards are doing major harm to the environment!  
  
Snake didn't pay attention to the rest of her sentence. He couldn't care less about anything unless it had to do with killing, himself, smoking, and sex. Hey, he may be a bastard, but he is sexy, cool, and has hella mad skillz. That's all that matters. He reaches the door, and opens it. Inside he sees the remains of the head of security. He is missing a head (Well, it's now pulp).  
  
???: Freeze!  
  
Snake stops moving. The voice sounded Middle Eastern, or something close to that.  
  
???: Turn around. Slowly!  
  
Snake turns around. To his surprise, the person who caught him was extremely different. He's around 4 ½ feet tall, has brown eyes, and is wearing brown sweat pants, a brown beret, and a brown vest. He is Middle Eastern. His gun, which was even more surprising than his looks, was a huge ass magnum. It has double the power of most assault rifles in America. Its kick can send a grown man reeling; a single bullet can drop a grizzly. It is the Smith & Wesson .50-caliber Magnum revolver. The gun is 4 ½ pounds and 15 inches. (Yes. This is a real gun. This is more gun than any one needs.) Its fuckin' amazing that this guy can hold it!  
  
Snake: Uh. Don't you think that gun is a wee bit big for you to use?  
  
???: Fuck you!  
  
Snake: Touchy aren't we. May I know my assailant's name?  
  
???: The name is Habib! I am the best assassin on the face of the earth!  
  
Snake: Right.  
  
???: Its true! Why would you think ZEAL hired me!  
  
Snake: ZEAL?  
  
Well, this is usually the time in every Metal Gear game where they spend 8 years describing something. So, we shall skip to right where he finishes.  
  
Habib: So you see, there is no way to escape our wrath!  
  
Snake: Uh. Yes there is!  
  
Using his super sexy quick movement, he pokes Habib and the weight of the gun knocks him over. He then picks up a trash can, and places it on Habib's head. He grabs the security card from the corpse along with a ring of keys, and runs towards Ashley's cell while Habib struggles to take off the trash can, cursing furiously. He skids to a halt in front of her cell, and opens it with the keys.  
  
Snake: Come on!  
  
Ashley: Wait! We should really pick up that trash you split all over the place. It is a hazard to the environment.  
  
Snake: Ahh, fuck! An environmentalist.  
  
Ashley: And we should put that corpse outside for it to provide nutrients for the soil.  
  
So, will Ashley quit her bitching? Will Habib get the trash can off? Can snake handle all of this crap? Where can I get that big ass magnum? Well, all of these (Except for one) questions will be answered in chapter 8. 


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter 8- Dolphin Lady  
  
Wow. This is fuckin' amazing. I haven't run out of material, and I'm already on Chapter 8. Fancy that. Well, when we last left off. Ah screw it. Snake and Ashley are in the elevator. We shall start there.  
  
Ashley: Thank you for saving me back there.  
  
Snake: Yeah, whatever. Tell me, are you single?  
  
Ashley: I couldn't possibly imagine what would happen to me if I were left there.  
  
Snake: Umm. Did you hear me?  
  
Ashley: I'm soo grateful.  
  
Snake: Ah fuck it. So, did your father really work on Sex Toy Gear? { Didn't they just use the Code name of the Gear...? Rex was Rex Gear or some thing? So why can't we just call it "Sex Toy".} (Rex was Metal Gear Rex. Besides, we like saying 'Sex Toy Gear' as much as possible cause it sounds wrong.)  
  
Ashley: Huh? How should I know?  
  
Snake: Because you're his daughter.  
  
Ashley: Yeah, but he left my mother and me when I was 5. That was 13 years ago.  
  
Snake, muttering to himself: So she's just barely legal.  
  
Ashley: I hate him so much.  
  
The elevator arrives at the 1st floor. They exit, and see that Raiden has found some clothes (thank god). He is wearing an enemy uniform without the mask.  
  
Raiden: What took you so long? WHO IS SHE!  
  
Obviously, jealousy has arisen. This is very jacked up right here. Isn't it Mr. Editor? [What the fuck are you talking about? I've had dreams far stranger than this.like the one where the world was flooded with gravy, and I had to get from a trailer that I somehow owned to the supermarket to pick up books.] Umm. Right. Anyways!  
  
Ocelot: Ah, you have found the daughter of the head programmer. We might be able to stop Sex Toy Gear with out destroying it. Very good, ja?  
  
Snake: Yeah. So can we access the elevator which will take us to sub-level 5?  
  
Ocelot: Negative. We must reach sub-level 4 on foot, then we can access the elevator which will take us to sub-level 5. From there, we go through the blast doors, and we will be in the launch bay for Sex Toy Gear.  
  
Snake: Ok.  
  
Raiden: Snake, may I talk to you in private for a minute?  
  
Snake: No. Ocelot, lets go.  
  
Raiden: Snake, I think you need to get in touch with your feminine side.  
  
Snake: I think YOU need to get in touch with my fist.  
  
Raiden: You mean.fisting?  
  
Snake: *Sigh* Let's roll.  
  
Alright, our trio is now what ever 4 people are. They head to the stairway which will take them to sub-level 1. As they move along the corridor, they take out random guards along the way, and ignore Ashley as she begs for them to drag the bodies outside to help the ecosystem. Why the hell would her think THEY could help the fucking ecosystem. That's total bullshit! Its not just total bullshit, its extreme bullshit! I mean come on; they are saving the fucking world from a homosexual madman who wants to get revenge on the world for the cancellation of that shitty show "Full House". The only thing which brought that show to life was Uncle Jessie. He was hot. I'M NOT GAY!!! I SWEAR!!! This is a very jacked up fan fiction, and from what my mind has in store for it, it will get more jacked up soon. Trust me. For all you folks who love this random shit, it's far from over. That is if I keep getting good reviews. If I do get more, I shall extend it for all of which I have planned (and try not to run out of ideas). Otherwise, I shall cut it short. Anyways! They head for the west stairway, Raiden cant help but notice that there is the latest fashion magazine on the ground. He walks over, and picks it up. When he turns around. He notices the group is gone.  
  
Raiden: Gosh darnet! (If you haven't noticed already, I'm trying to make it so Raiden doesn't swear)  
  
As our pussy boy Raiden attempts to find his way back to the group, lets go to the bad guy's point of view. ABOUT FUCKING TIME! 8 chapters and we have only seen the bad guys when the good guys are around! Homer is sitting in his swivel chair, stroking Hugo [Possibly among other things, we never see where that other hand is], when Jackal, Habib, and a mysterious man walk in.  
  
Jackal: I'm sorry boss.  
  
Habib: We tried everything! We still haven't been able to stop them!  
  
The mysterious man is black. Around 6 feet tall, decent build, and is bald. Some might say that he looks like a football player. But because of his clothes, he looks gay. Oh, wait. I already said he looks like a football player. He is wearing a purple suit, with pink lace on the ends of his cuffs. Hell, he is gay! He is the last member of Zeal stationed at this gay- ass cave! Fashion Flamingo! MASTER OF TORTURE! HEAD FOR THE FUCKING HILLS! Excuse me. *slaps himself*. Sorry for that.  
  
Flamingo: (And because he is wearing the stereotypical gay outfit, he must have a stereotypical gay lisp.) Oh! I must find out where Snake bought that incredibly sexy skin tight outfit! Oh, it's just darling!!! {Only a simple comment from someone who can now call Snake sexy with out the Homo label (^-^) YEP!! }(Damnit! I'm Not gay! I swear) [You be quiet. Snake is like Uncle Jessie, he's hot, but any straight guy can acknowledge this.]  
  
Jackal: Shut the hell up. We are truly sorry boss.  
  
Homer: I know you are. And I know it's not your fault. FoxHound is vastly superior to Zeal, and Snake is the son of the legendary soldier, Big Boss, so it is alright. Besides, I have taken care of everything.  
  
Habib: You have? How?  
  
Jackal: Yes. How are you so calm?  
  
Homer: Oh, I have my reasons.  
  
Flamingo: Oh! I must know, you strong sexy man's man you! Don't MAKE me give you a spanking! Tee-hee, then again, I just might anyways. OH! *Places a finger in his mouth, then touches his ass with it; this is accompanied by a 'ssss' sound* I'm hot tonight; better call the firemen, boys!  
  
All of the villains stare at Flamingo.  
  
Jackal: Just shut the hell up will you?  
  
Homer: Like I said, I have my reasons for being so calm. If I told you now, it would spoil all the fun. MUWAHHAHAHAHAHAHA  
  
Oh god, what could this rejected James Bond villain be planning. These are the saddest bunch of villains I ever did see! Bloody hell! Well, this is the end of chapter 8. Stay tuned next time for chapter 9. 


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9- The good, the bad ass, and the homo  
  
Well, when we last left off our heroes,{ Heroes? I only counted 1...} they were heading down to basement sublevel 5. Why are they going there? If you don't know this by now, slap yourself and read chapters 1-8. They have just reached sublevel 4. [Few people know this, but the entire complex is really just another division of Disneyland gone horribly awry. Americo-Disney, like Eurodisney, was destined for failure.]  
  
Raiden: Thank god! We are almost there.  
  
Ocelot: Ja. But we must hurry. I know they plan to launch it soon, but I'm not sure how soon.  
  
Snake: You're right, kraut. Now lets hope its not too soon.  
  
Ashley: Yes! We must hurry! Think of the damage that Sex Toy Gear could do to the ozone!  
  
Snake: Shut up lady! Unless you're ready to be fucked, I don't care!  
  
Ashley: I'll let you fuck me if you promise to stop Sex Toy Gear, and not damage the environment.  
  
Snake: . . . Deal!  
  
As Snake gets a bit happier that he knows he will be in bed with a decent looking woman soon, 6 guards come out of no where. Ocelot shows off mad skills by firing only three shots, yet taking them all down. As he looks pleased with himself, a small cylinder rolls out from the corner. It explodes. It seems not to do anything, but then they notice that lightning is flashing on Ocelot. Ocelot collapses to the ground.  
  
Ocelot: Zahn wählt Zahn-Auswahl aus, die wir aus Zahn-Auswahl heraus laufen lassen . . .  
  
Snake: Shit! Chaff!  
  
7 guards come running out from the corner, along with a man none of them have seen before. He is tall, has a 5 o'clock shadow, is wearing a black beanie, a black turtleneck, and black sweat pants. He has, but of course, black gloves on (the fingerless kind), and is holding a FAMAS.  
  
???: Ah, ze American pig-dogs.if any of you move, I will shoot ze fuck out of you, oui.  
  
The man has a very heavy French accent. (*scoffs* the French. Who needs em?)  
  
Snake: Shit. You're Louis the Bear, aren't you?  
  
Louis: Zat would be correct, you slimy little cock sucking monkey spanking whore!  
  
From behind them, more 5 more guards come along with Jackal.  
  
Jackal: Ah. So that is the surprise the boss was talking about. Louis the Bear.  
  
Louis: Mind your own business, you 'tardfucking rimjob-giving dickweed on a stick with shit-covered pretzels on ze side!  
  
Jackal: So you do have the foulest mouth ever. Interesting. Take them to the torture room on this floor.  
  
Guard: What do you want us to do with the robot, sir?  
  
Jackal: Just stuff him in a broom closet, or something.  
  
Snake, Ashley, and Raiden place their hands behind their heads as they are lead off to the torture room. As they are being dragged off, Snake notices that 3 other guards are escorting Chief and Commander down the hall.  
  
Commander: Chief! It ain't over until the fat lady sings, Chief!  
  
Chief: Oh, I made yer wife "sing" alright. . .nancyboy. . .  
  
Commander: Gosh darn it, Chief! You're just as bad as Saddam Hussein!  
  
Chief: Yer mom sung alright as well, BOY!  
  
Commander: Chief! You better stop pushing my buttons, Chief! We don't take kindly to that were we come from . . . Chief!  
  
Chief: Shut that trap you call a mouth shit eater! You came from Alaska, the home of the pansy ass butt-munching brown nosers!  
  
Commander: Chief! Ya cut me deep Chief! Ya cut me deep.  
  
Chief: Damn right I cut ya deep bitch! If ya keep flappin' that yap o' yours, I'll cut ya so bad, you'll wish. . . That I didn't cutcha so bad!  
  
Guard: Lock it up both of you!  
  
Chief: Don't make me go Bob Green on yo' ass! If ya don't behave, ya might just get shot!  
  
Commander: Chief! Don't threaten the guard, Chief!  
  
Chief: Shuddap.  
  
As Commander and Chief are dragged off, Snake sees two other guards dumping Uncle Jessie's dead body in the garbage chute. A moment latter, a door opens in front of them, and they are pushed inside. They are then strapped into chairs. All but one of the guards leave. Habib then walks in. Also, the bird which Raiden was attacked by flies in and begins attacking Raiden again. No one seems to notice, or care, that he is being assaulted.  
  
Habib: Hehe! You cant put a trash can on my head now, can you solid dick head! HEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!  
  
Snake: Ugh. What a moron.  
  
Habib has his big ass magnum in his pants. He is walking all gangsta style. He walks in front of Ashley, and stares.  
  
Habib: Oh! Hopefully Homer will let me play with you!  
  
Ashley: Is that a gun in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?  
  
Habib gets excited, then a gun shot shatters the silence. A bloodstain appears on Habib's crotch.  
  
Habib, in a high girly voice which sounds like he is in pain: Well. It was both. *Pulls out his gun* But now its just the gun!  
  
He grabs his crotch and runs out of the room. The bird then begins to mindlessly peck the guard's head. The guard though, is too stupid to realize this.  
  
Snake: Nice work Ashley.  
  
Ashley: T'was nuttin'. *Blushes*  
  
10 minutes go by.  
  
Raiden: Snake. We may not live through this. But I just want to get this out in the open.  
  
Snake: That you're a fucking homosexual prick (I lost track of how many homosexual references have been said this far. Same goes for the swearing. If you find out and tell me, I'll give ya a cookie.) who, no matter how many times I tell him to not look at my ass, does so anyways.  
  
Raiden: Darn it! I did not stare at your ass!  
  
Guard: Yes you did. I saw you as we were walking over here.  
  
Ashley: So did I.  
  
Raiden: Oh, you two stay out of this!  
  
Snake: Just shut the fuck up, and stop looking at my ass.  
  
Raiden: I did not lo-  
  
Raiden is cut off when the door opens, and Flamingo prances in like a ninny. He walks over to Ashley. The bird lands on Flamingos shoulder. It pecks the side of his head, but dies. Apparently the gayness of Flamingo was too strong for it to bear, so it died. Wow . . . I never thought I would see some one who is much more of a fruit than Raiden.  
  
Flamingo: Oh, this will just not do! *tsk tsk* I ca'nt work with a woman!  
  
He then walks over in front of Raiden.  
  
Flamingo: Hmm. He does have a nice face. Oh my lordy! You need to drop of those extra pounds at social services 'cause you are abusing them!!  
  
He slaps Raiden playfully. He finally walks over to Snake.  
  
Flamingo: Oh! Oh.OH! Woo woo, somebody sound the alarms, because this guy is a fire hazard! He's SO hot I could burn myself up! I'd bring in a fire hose, but I think you've brought your own. OOOH! Score one for me, I'm naughty!  
  
Snake: Get away from me.  
  
Flamingo: Oh, fiesty little scamp aren't we! I can't wait to play! Oooooh! I feel so dirty!  
  
Raiden: Leave him alone!  
  
Flamingo looks at Raiden.  
  
Flamingo: Oh, that suit will just not do. It is sooo like, 5 minutes ago!  
  
Ashley: You're one sick. sick. Sicko!  
  
Flamingo: Oh don't you go there girlfriend, or I'll bitch slap your ass back to the brothel from whence you came!  
  
Before this thing could continue, the door crashes down. Ocelot bursts through the door. On a Harley, no less. He pulls out a sawed off boomstick. [Does this mean Ocelot came out of the closet.?]  
  
Ocelot: Get der fuck out of my vay!  
  
Flamingo: EEEEEKKKK!!!!  
  
Flamingo runs to a corner and curls up in a ball. Ocelot walks over and undoes the trio's holdings.  
  
Ocelot: We have to hurry!  
  
Snake: I know, they are going to launch Sex Toy Gear. You said that li-  
  
Ocelot: Negative. They have moved it to a different location.  
  
Raiden: WHAT!  
  
Ashley: Impossible!  
  
Snake: You're shitting me!  
  
Ocelot: I vish I vas, but sadly I'm not programmed to shit. We have to get out of this jungle and locate it. We must get to Otacon so he can find it. He will be able to find it, ja?  
  
Snake: Yeah, hopefully he will be able to locate it in time.  
  
Raiden: Speaking of which, how long until Sex Toy Gear launches and begins its assault?  
  
Ocelot: Vell, it vas supposed to launch in just under vone hour, but it cannot any more. It vill take zem at least 3 days before it can.  
  
Ashley: What makes you so sure?  
  
Snake: Because transporting something that large without commotion will take a bit. Besides, they have to find a good bunker to store it, make sure all connections are go, and double check all the data.  
  
Raiden: I have to inform the Colonel.  
  
Raiden gets in his codec crouch and dials Colonel. He doesn't get a response.  
  
Raiden: This is odd. Colonel won't respond.  
  
Snake: Maybe he got caller ID.  
  
Snake gets in the codec crouch and dials Otacon.  
  
Otacon: *Creepy voice* Lleh fo gnir lanif eht dehcaer evah uoY.  
  
Snake: Dickweed, we have a problem.  
  
Otacon: What now?  
  
Snake: They moved Sex Toy Gear to a different location. We need your help in finding it.  
  
Otacon: Shit. I'll do my best. I will send my friend over to pick you guys up in a chopper. On such short notice, he should arrive there in around 2 hours. Can you hold out that long?  
  
Snake: Well, we have held out this long haven't we assdick?  
  
Otacon: Ok. I should be able to locate the convoy, if they haven't covered their tracks, within about 3 hours.  
  
Snake: Excellent. Oh, and Hammond's daughter does not know how to stop it. We will have to take it down by hand like usual.  
  
Otacon: Ok. I'll see if I can find any information on Zeal, what organization this is, or info on Sex Toy Gear.  
  
Snake: We're counting on you.  
  
Snake disconnects from the codec.  
  
Raiden: So, we leaving by chopper?  
  
Snake: Yeah.  
  
Ocelot: Good. Ve might just be able to stop them before the launch. Sex Toy Gear is the most deadly machine on the planet.  
  
Ashley: What is it equipped with?  
  
Ocelot: Vell, it is supposed to have nuclear bunker missiles, a rail gun, and several chemical and biological weapons.  
  
Raiden: Well spank my ass and call me Susie!  
  
Raiden bends over.  
  
Raiden: Go on. Spank me. Call me Susie.  
  
Snake: You're so fucking messed up.  
  
Ashley: We have to stop it without it launching anything.  
  
Snake: Yeah. Shit. This mission is getting more and more bogus.  
  
You're telling me, man. These Zeal pricks are getting on my nerves. What the hell type of name is Zeal any way? What the hell is it! I DON'T KNOW! AHHH! I'm so fucking confused! Ahh fuck it! Till next time fellow fucked up people. 


	11. Chapter 10

Chapter 10- Lost and Found  
  
So, STG has been moved from its location. This blows chunks out of whale's asses. AHH! What the fuck are we all gonna do. Well, lets stop whining and start the story up again. Snake and company are standing outside the gay ass cave, waiting for Otacon's friend to arrive with a chopper.  
  
Snake: This blows.  
  
Raiden: DID YOU SAY YOU WANT A BLOW!  
  
Raiden rushes over to Snake, but Snake extends his leg kicking Raiden in the gut.  
  
Snake: No, you sick fag.  
  
Raiden: Stop it with the cigarette jokes!  
  
Ocelot: Quit your vining!  
  
Ashley: Yeah. It's really annoying.  
  
Raiden sits down and starts pouting.  
  
Snake: So Ocelot, who sent you?  
  
Ocelot: That. That I do not know. I just remember vaking up in a varehouse, and knowing every thing I know currently. I knew that you were going to be here, I knew what STG was, and I also knew where this base's exact location was.  
  
Snake: Interesting.  
  
Ashley: Yeah. How could that be?  
  
Ocelot: My memory banks do not contain that information.  
  
Raiden: So you were just programmed with that information?  
  
Ocelot: Das is truth, ja.  
  
Snake: That's pretty shitty, bro.  
  
Ocelot: Ja. I don't even know who created me.  
  
Snake: Father figures are so shitty, ya don't need em'.  
  
Ocelot: Really?  
  
Snake: Yeah. Hell, look at me. My father was a psycho who wanted to take over the world.  
  
Ocelot: What happened?  
  
Snake: I killed him.  
  
Ocelot: It must have been hard, killing your own father and all.  
  
Snake: Not really. All I did was pull the trigger.  
  
Raiden: Hey! Snake, how come you're being all nice to Ocelot, but you are a bastard to me!  
  
Snake: 'Cause Ocelot is a homey, and you're not.  
  
Raiden: But you have known me longer!  
  
Snake: Yeah, and you're also exponentially gayer.  
  
Raiden: . . .  
  
Their intellectual conversation is cut short by the sounds of helicopter blades. The group walks over to the helicopter, and sees a masked pilot. They get in, and the helicopter lifts off.  
  
Snake: Who do we have the honor of thanking?  
  
The pilot removes his mask, to reveal that he is none other than Steven Seagal.  
  
Raiden: What the hell are you doing flying a chopper?  
  
Seagal: Well, my acting career was so shitty, I became a bum. Then I met Otacon. He helped me get back on my feet, and let me have some of his sisters nice pussy. So, as a favor to him, I came out here to help you folks.  
  
Snake: Cool, do you know how to use an M16?  
  
Seagal: Yes, but I'm to fuckin' scared to help fight with you guys. I'm just here to take you from point A to point B, then back home.  
  
Ashley: But your movies make you look like an uber-bad ass.  
  
Segal: Key word doll face: LOOK.  
  
The radio crackles and Otacon's voice comes through the static.  
  
Otacon: I found them.  
  
Snake: Good work, bro.  
  
Otacon: Yeah. Thanks. I'll send the coordinates through the computer in your helicopter.  
  
Snake grabs the location.  
  
Snake: That is like 30 minutes away. Ok. Thanks Otacon.  
  
Otacon: No problem.  
  
Well. This is it folks. This was the halfway point. 10 more chapters to go. Till next time. 


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11- Another Gay Ass Base  
  
Halfway through and this shit is just getting more and more fucked up. They have now landed at the new location of STG. It is in the same jungle.  
  
Snake: Wait here, Steven.  
  
Seagal: Alrighty.  
  
Snake stares at the base. He then slaps his forehead with his palm.  
  
Snake: Is it just me. Or are these bases getting gayer and gayer.  
  
The base this time is not a cave. Well. It is, but it's also a tree house!  
  
Ocelot: Not just you. It is gay.  
  
Raiden: Yup.  
  
Ashley: Uh huh.  
  
Snake walks over to the helicopter and sorts through the weaponry. He tosses Ocelot a 12 gauge shotgun with a side pack full of shells, Raiden an M16 with 6 extra clips not counting the one already in the gun, he hands Ashley his SOCOM with a couple of extra clips, and he takes for himself a SG551 SWAT. [That's a helluva assault rifle there, folks. Swiss, sleek, and it has this oh-so-nifty thingy that allows it to hold two extra clips near where the first one is inserted.]  
  
Snake: Alright. Here is the plan. We go in, and I will take out standard security quietly. We find out where the control room is located, and if it's easy to access, we sneak to it. Then, Ashley will wait there with Steven.  
  
Seagal: Wait, I said I wasn't going in!  
  
Snake: If you don't go, I'll kill you.  
  
Seagal: Alright. Fine.  
  
Steven grabs a M16 with several clips.  
  
Snake: Alright. Then, Ocelot, Raiden, and I will search for STG separately. We keep in contact by out two-way radios.  
  
Raiden: Why not use the codec?  
  
Snake: Cause each time we use it we have to crouch cause this asshole of a writer thinks its funny.  
  
Raiden: Alright.  
  
Snake: If one of us finds it, we call the others. We will try to take it out without fighting, but we might just have to fight. Besides, we don't know which of the Zeal pricks are here.  
  
Ocelot: Ja, is a good idea, no?  
  
Snake: Alright, lets roll.  
  
With Snake leading the way, they sneak into the complex. Snake smacking guards in the back of the head with his gun. Conveniently, they find a map in the middle of the main hall. They find that the security room is on the floor above them, and that there are 2 sub basements below them, making a total of 4 floors. They sneak into the security room without firing a single shot.  
  
Snake: Alright, Ashley?  
  
Ashley: Yes?  
  
Snake: You will keep a look out on the security cameras to make sure we are not ambushed while Steven covers your back. Steven will clear floor 2, then he will come back here and wait.  
  
Ashley: Roger.  
  
Seagal: You sure you need me here. I could watch the chopper.  
  
Snake: Don't be a pussy. Its now your time to prove to the world you are a badass.  
  
Seagal: Alright . . . I'll do it, but I wont like it.  
  
Snake: Alright, Raiden You will search floor 1.  
  
Raiden: Umkay.  
  
Snake: Ocelot, you get sublevel 1.  
  
Ocelot: Affirmative.  
  
Snake: And I will get sublevel 2. Every one is clear on that?  
  
Raiden: Yes sir!  
  
Ok. It has been awhile since I last gave a random rant out of no where. Lets throw another one in here shall we. Pizza is great shit. Yeah, its soo fuckin great. My penguins love it. That's right, penguins! You got a problem with that Mr. I don't have an army of penguins who can sing "I'm a little tea pot" backwards in Latin and are very evil, tiny, and angry who are ready to storm the white house and paint it black. Yeah, paint it black. Kinda like that Rolling Stones song. That song kicks ass. Hell, the Rollin stones kick ass. They are like the Beatles! Speaking of the Beatles, why the hell name their band after a bug! That's fucking gay! Almost as gay as Raiden! Heh. Yeah, It's fucking crazy. By the way, did you know that every word in the human race has a "q" in the middle of it. It's silent. Speaking of silent, why cant alarm clocks be silent! THEY ARE FUCKING ANNOYING! WHO THE HELL INVENTED THEM! WHO EVER DID NEEDS TO BE DRAGGED OUT IN THE STREET AND SHOT!!! Or worse. He (or she for all you god damned feminists who will call me a sexist pig if I don't include the word "she" in here) needs to be forced to own one. But that's all beside the point. The group, except for the bitch environmentalist, leaves and goes on their patrols. Raiden, Ocelot, and Snake get into the elevator with out giving Seagal a good luck. They figure he is Steven Seagal and needs no such thing said to him. They stop at floor one first.  
  
[Well, soup is the most watery of foods...or is it even a food? Is it liquid with food in it, or food with liquid on it? But soup is watery. Now some people put soup on their bread, other people put bread on their soup...I think the French do that...all you really end up with is soggy bread. Now what if shit was a living, breathing thing? What if whenever you took a crap, the shit would like, fall into the water and drown because it has no arms and legs and cannot swim because it's a piece of turd? What if like, air bubbles came up and it like, screamed? You think they'd make any specialized products for that? I do. Like, shit silencers or something. They'd have commercials and everything. It's be like, an attractive woman sitting in a chair with an apartment background saying "Does your waste plead for life and beg for mercy? Is it causing others to wake up, or just plain annoying you? Well, with new Shit-B-Silent, you can end that for good. It utilizes patented shit silencing medical technology, and comes at a low low price! So, next time you want to cut that shit out, think Shit-B- Silent!". . . Just a thought.] {WTF. . .}  
  
Raiden: Well.This is my stop.  
  
Snake: Yeah, now go. You're holding us up.  
  
Raiden: Be careful Snake.  
  
Snake: Yeah, whatever.  
  
They continue down to sublevel 1.  
  
Ocelot: I may not see you again, but I would like to say it has been great working with you.  
  
Snake: Same. You're a real bad ass.  
  
Ocelot: But I will never compare to you.  
  
Snake: Yeah . . . You wont will you?  
  
Ocelot: HAHAHAHA! I like your sense of humor, human.  
  
Snake: I like yours, robot.  
  
Ocelot: Asta la vista. . .  
  
Snake: Good. If ya called me baby I would kill you.  
  
Ocelot: Heh.  
  
The elevator doors close, leaving Snake going down to sublevel 2. When the doors open, Snake has almost no time to get some cover because he is being shot at, by none other than Habib.  
  
Habib: I LOST MY BALLS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!  
  
Fuck the goodbyes.. 


	13. Chapter 12

Chapter 12- The Man With No Balls (James Bond not included)  
  
Ok, so Snake now has to fight my Middle Eastern correspondent, Habib. Kooky. Snake may be all that and a bag of chips, but Habib is everything, Habib is nothing, Habib is everywhere, Habib is nowhere, etc. So how can Snake get out of this? Don't look at me!  
  
[Side note: The real deal on Habib. My brother made an allusion to the middle East, tossed out the name 'Habib', and I named my guy in Harvest Moon just that. Long story short, it caught on big among us, and now it's a daily thing. Pronounced 'Hah-beeb']  
  
Snake: Ah. Hello there, no balls. How's life treatin' ya?  
  
Habib: Shut da fuck up! I will kill you, you piece of camel shit!  
  
Snake: Oh, li'l man has some big words there doesn't he.  
  
Habib: STOP PATRONIZING ME!  
  
Snake: No. It's just too fun. [He's right. Go to that thar 'Project Wish' organization and prod at all the diseased tiny kids. What're they gonna do- cough on you? If they do, see a doctor...little bastards got polio...]  
  
Habib: I am sick of this shit! It's unfair! I always am being made fun of!  
  
Snake: Damn. Every one of these villains needs mental help. [Example: Michael Eisner, Disney CEO]  
  
Habib: I finally get it good, and you fuck everything up!  
  
Snake: Uh, no. The bitch did.  
  
Habib: SHE IS YOUR BITCH! IT'S YOUR FAULT!  
  
Snake: No. Not yet she isn't.  
  
Habib: Shut da fuck up!  
  
Snake: You need to calm your li'l ass down.  
  
Habib: Stop calling me little!  
  
Habib raises the gun, and fires however many shots are left in da hand cannon (I forgot), Snake dodges them and grabs the little midget. He then sees a hook on the wall, about 4 feet in the air. He grabs Habib and hangs him by the hook.  
  
Habib: DAMMIT!  
  
Snake: HA HA! You stupid prick.  
  
Habib: Don't make me skull fuck you!  
  
Snake, wanting to piss off the midget even more, starts poking him.  
  
Habib: You little cock knocking bitch!  
  
Snake: Uh, yeah. Later tubby.  
  
Snake begins to walk off as Habib attempts to free himself from the hook he is hanging on. Meanwhile, upstairs on the top floor.  
  
Seagal: This is fucking gay.  
  
Ashley: You said it.  
  
Seagal: I mean. Really fucking gay. I'm a damn celebrity, not a fucking commando. [Speaking of which, you can find the latest installment of "ARMY GIRLS GONE WILD" at your local retailer.]  
  
Ashley: Uhuh.  
  
Seagal: I don't wanna die!  
  
Ashley: Is that all you do?  
  
Seagal: What?  
  
Ashley: Bitch! All you do is bitch and moan!  
  
Seagal: I DO NOT!!!  
  
Ashley: Yes you do! Bitch and moan, bitch and moan!  
  
Seagal: STOP MAKING FUN OF ME!  
  
Ashley: I'm not making fun of you! I'm asking you to shut the fuck up for at least 10 minutes!  
  
Seagal: . . .  
  
Ashley: Good. At least now there will be less noise.  
  
Meanwhile, Raiden is doing his patented gay ass prance down the hallways. He spots a door open. He waltzes right in, and hears a gun cock.  
  
Flamingo: Oh, you naughty little thing you! Didn't your mother ever teach you to knock! [Maybe taught him to knock cock anyways.another droplet added to our ocean of homosexual references.kinda makes you suspicious, don't it?]  
  
Raiden: Nah, that bitch was a one lazy ass whore.  
  
Flamingo: Oh, you're so bad! Looks like SOOOOOOMEBODY is in need of a little THPANKING!  
  
Raiden: Hit me with your best shot, big boy.  
  
Flamingo: Mmhm!  
  
Well, sorry but I decided to cut this gay chit-chat between two of the gayest people on the planet. Yeah, it was a short, and probably not great chapter, but what do you expect. Writer's block plagues us all. It will get much better in a couple of chapters. Hehe. I guarantee it. Anyways, this is your dysfunctional editor signing off to get some much-needed sleep. FOOHA! [My word, this bucket of partially-developed spermatazoa totally jacked it from me.]~jamie 


	14. Chapter 13

Chapter 13- Cat Fight  
  
When we last left off, Raiden (aka Fag #1) was about to fight Fashion Flamingo (aka Fag #2) in a duel to the death. Raiden does a cartwheel forwards right as Flamingo fires his pink Derringer. Raiden dives for cover as he hears another gunshot. Raiden peeks from behind the bookshelf and sees he Flamingo holding another pink Derringer in his left hand. That's two for those of you who can't count.  
  
Flamingo: Oh this will not do! You made me waste my precious bullets! I'm thooo angry!  
  
Flamingo then draws from his coat a purple Berretta 9mm with the words "Concrete Cowboy" written in hot pink on the side of it.  
  
Raiden: Shit. This guy's packin' heat.  
  
Raiden draws his Glock 17 from his hip holster, not even remembering that he has a M16.  
  
Flamingo: Packing heat? Oh little boy, I'm IN heat! Tee hee! You're such a naughty little man! Daddy will have to punish you big time!  
  
Raiden does a side roll out from behind the cabinet and fires off 3 shots, which all miss, and the gun clicks dry.  
  
Raiden: WHAT THE HELL!!!  
  
(For those of you wondering what the hell just happened, Dumb ass here forgot to check how many friggin bullets where left in his gun when he picked it up)  
  
Flamingo walks slowly towards Raiden, aiming his gun at Raiden's pretty boy skull.  
  
Flamingo: Oh boy! I feel all giddy inside!  
  
Raiden: Shit. Alright you bastard. Make it quick.  
  
Flamingo: Before I do, I must ask you. Don't you think this coat is just darling?  
  
Meanwhile back in the control room, Seagal is eyeing Ashley's ass without her noticing.  
  
Seagal to himself: Damn that's a fine ass. I gotta get me some of that. Hmm. But how.  
  
As Seagal thinks carefully (heh.. Seagal thinking.), Ashley monitors the screen closely. Seagal brightens as an idea (heheh. Seagal having an idea. That's rich.) forms in his head. Seagal begins to break down and cry. Ashley turns and stares at him.  
  
Ashley: What's wrong now, blubber but?  
  
Segal: Huh.. Oh. I was just remembering. My troubled childhood.  
  
Ashley:. . .  
  
Segal: You see, *sniff*, I was molested by my uncle when I was 5. My parents pressed charges, yet he got off. Shortly there after, my parents were killed in a car accident and I was forced to live with my molester uncle. After 3 years of torment, I ran away and joined a circus. The clown, Mr. Bobo, was a very mean man. He would often hit me, and beat me. And the lion tamer. He was worse. He would constantly molest me. And the elephant molested me all the time too, and he turned out to be my uncle. Then sometimes the whole circus would molest me, even the human torso, and he didn't have any limbs . . but he still molested me. Then I ran back home, and was molested by the family that bought the house, so I moved to Japan [He was molested on the flight too] and learned martial arts to improve my moles- uh, life.  
  
Ashley:. . . Not a word of that is tree, is it?  
  
Segal: DAMN! It didn't work! How did you know?!  
  
Ashley: I saw the E True Hollywood Story.  
  
Meanwhile, Ocelot wanders around the corridor on sublevel 1. He sees a room, and walks in. He sees Homer sitting at a desk. Ocelot raises his boomstick.  
  
Ocelot: Hasta la vista, baby.  
  
Homer sits there calmly and smiles.  
  
Homer: Ocelot, would you actually shoot your own creator?  
  
Ocelot: Vhat? Vhat on earth are you talking about?  
  
Homer: You don't remember do you? It was I who had you rebuilt: better, faster, stronger than ever before!  
  
Ocelot: . . . YOU LIE!  
  
Homer: I would not kid about something that important. Now, drop your weapon and come fulfill what you were created to do.  
  
Ocelot: And what might that be!  
  
Homer: Hehe, to activate Sex Toy Gear but of course.  
  
Ocelot: Vhat da hell?  
  
Homer: You are specifically programmed to activate Sex Toy Gear. Make it unlock its full potential so to speak. Once you are connected with STG, it will be unstoppable. It will have access to every countries military arsenal. It would be able to fire "stealth" nukes from any where, to any where. It would become an unstoppable machine!  
  
[Fun fact: The concept was to be that there was a dildo attached to the seat of STG, and when Ocelot sat on it.yeah. Call it the key, and a certain ass was the keyhole. Ech.]  
  
Ocelot: No. It can't be.  
  
Homer: But it can my friend. It oh so can..  
  
Meanwhile, on sublevel 2,  
  
Snake: This place is just too gay to describe.  
  
Snake looks around at his surroundings. He is in Homer's private quarters. It is painted with bright pinks, purples, and yellows and almost every inch of the walls are filled with Uncle Jessie posters.  
  
Snake: This guy needs a serious ass womping.  
  
Meanwhile, back on normal floor one, Raiden and Flamingo were just finishing up their tea party.  
  
Flamingo: And I said to her, "Oh, that dress makes you look exactly like Barbara Striesand".  
  
Raiden: YOU DIDN'T!  
  
Flamingo: I did!  
  
Raiden: OH MY LORDY! That is soooo funny!  
  
Flamingo: It is, isn't it.  
  
Raiden and Flamingo: Mmhm!  
  
They then begin to giggle like school girls.  
  
Raiden: So, tell me, what color are your curtains going to be?  
  
Flamingo: Why, hot pink but of course.  
  
Raiden: Hot pink! That wont work! It just won't match the blue carpet!  
  
Flamingo: What color did you have in mind then? Hmm?  
  
Raiden: Purple, what else.  
  
Flamingo: PURPLE?! That will make the room look too dark and gloomy!  
  
Raiden: No it wont!  
  
Flamingo: You listen hear Buster Brown, I don't care where you come from but in my house you respect my wishes! *snaps his fingers*  
  
Raiden: Are you calling me rude?!  
  
Flamingo: That is exactly what I'm calling you!  
  
Raiden: That's it! Rap rap snap snap! *snaps his fingers*  
  
Raiden dives on top of Flamingo and they begin to bite, slap, and claw at each other. Flamingo then pulls Raiden's hair right when Raiden slaps Flamingos thigh. Blood starts to drip from their bodies as they wrestle. Finally, about 5 minutes after the fight started, Raiden digs his nails into Flamingo's eye sockets and gouges out his eyes. Blood sprays everywhere as Flamingo screams in pain and agony.  
  
Flamingo: OOHHH DEAR LORDY!!! WHY!!! WHY!!!!  
  
Flamingo collapses to the floor and dies from a loss of blood. Raiden, stands there drenched in Flamingo's blood. He looks some what like a bad ass if you don't think about who he is, but its hard not to.  
  
Raiden: I hate resorting to violence to get my point across.  
  
Well, that's it this time kiddies. More to come soon!  
  
[Another side note: Your author is attracted to little girls. No joke. Friggin' pedophile.] 


	15. Chapter 14

Chapter 14- Would You Like Violence With That Eclaire?  
  
Ok, so when we last left off, Raiden apparently became somewhat of a man and brutally killed Flamingo after an argument about curtain colors [I need not even point out the blatant irony of that statement.]. So, where to begin. Ah, I know.  
  
Snake is slowly walking down a long hallway. He looks carefully down the corridor, ready to pull the trigger and pump hot lead into whoever got in his way. For some apparent reason, there were almost no guards. It was as if this place was under minimal security, even though a giant super weapon was sitting somewhere deep within the bowels of the base. Snake stops, and lets his assault rifle sling to his side. He draws a pack of cigarettes from a pouch and lights one up. He takes a long drag on it, and slowly blows out the smoke.  
  
Snake: I'm too old for this shit.  
  
He places the pack of cigarettes back into his pouch and grabs his rifle again. He starts to walk down the hall. He stops at a corner, and presses his back against the wall. He slowly peers around the corner, and pulls it back just in time. A bullet whizzes through the hair and hits exactly where his head just was. Plaster shatters from the wall and grazes Snake's face.  
  
Louis: DAMN!  
  
Snake: Hello Louis! How are you today?  
  
Louis: SHUT UP YOU ASS TARD!  
  
Snake: Aren't you the polite type.  
  
Louis: You may be the legendary Solid Snake who killed Big Boss, but this is a new generation of soldiers. We aren't the same as you! We are stronger, faster, better than ever before!  
  
Snake: So what exactly is the deal behind Zeal?  
  
Louis: Zeal is an organization similar to FOX-HOUND, but the counter- terrorism bit is just to keep the public off our backs.  
  
Snake: So you're a terrorist group?  
  
Louis: HOW DARE YOU COMPARE US TO FILTH! We are not terrorists! We are soldiers, and Zeal is our government! Jack Tanner is our President, and Homer is our governor!  
  
Snake: Homer is a pansy ass dickweed.  
  
Louis: HOW DARE YOU!  
  
Snake: Is that all you can say? "How dare you?" Geez! And besides, Zeal is one of the shittiest organizations on earth! There are only six of you, four now that Habib and Bee have been defeated! The only one of you who seems halfway committed is Jackal, but it's hard to tell about him. I haven't seen much of him.  
  
Louis: Ahh yes. Comrade Jackal. No one on earth is like him. He is the same as you! It is as if he is possessed when in battle! He is also younger, so that gives him the edge over you! By all of this I mean he's like you in that you both played youth sports organizations!  
  
Snake: No I didn't. What the frick are you talking about?  
  
Louis: Oh. Sheet. Well, still!  
  
Snake: What makes you so sure he can live up to me?  
  
Louis: He has gone through VR simulations of Outer Heaven, Zanzibar, and Shadow Moses! He did them all in a row, and was ready for more after finishing! He single-handedly disposed of an entire squad of Navy Seals bare handed! He is a god I tell you!  
  
Snake: He sounds good, but why are you complementing him and not yourself?  
  
Louis: His expertise is weapons and assault! My expertise is recon and sniping! Even though he may be an assultie, he has mastered the other traits as well!  
  
Snake: Traits?  
  
Louis: In each of the three Zeal squads, there are 5 soldiers and 1 commander. Each of the five soldiers are chosen because of a special trait they posses. While Jackal's trait is assault and mine is recon, Flamingo's is communication, Bee's is electronics, and Habib's is demolitions! We all can hold our own under the other traits, but Jackal has mastered them all! He is the greatest soldier who ever lived!  
  
Snake: Impressive.  
  
Louis: OF COURSE IT'S FUCKING IMPRESSIVE! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING FOR THE PAST 5 FUCKING MINUTES! YOU HAVE TRIED MY PATIENCE SOLID SNAKE! YOU WILL NOT LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER DAY! I HAVE YOU TRAPPED!  
  
Snake: On the contrary! I could easily just backtrack to the elevator!  
  
Louis: Oh really?  
  
Right when Louis finishes talking, a metal panel comes down from the wall about 5 feet away from Snake, blocking off his only escape route.  
  
Snake: Fuck.  
  
Louis: NOW YOU'RE TRAPPED!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAAHA! YOU WILL DIE!!!!  
  
Snake thinks to himself about how he could possibly get out of this one.  
  
Snake: Damn. Hmm. Wait!  
  
He gets in his patented codec crouch and dials Ashley's frequency.  
  
Ashley: What?  
  
Snake: Quickly, look on the floor two cameras. Tell me where Louis the Bear is?  
  
Ashley: Alright.. Searching  
  
Louis: ARE YOU PRAYING! HA! YOUR GOD WILL NOT ANSWER YOUR PRAYERS, YOU OVER GROWN PIECE OF SHIT!  
  
Snake: Hurry damn it!  
  
Ashley: GOT HIM! He is about 10 feet away, and he is using an M16!  
  
Snake: Thanks, babe.  
  
Snake hangs up the call, and does a wild jump from his corner to right behind a metal crate. Machine gun fire slams on the wall where he just was, spewing plaster all over the floor. Snake, while keeping low to the ground, sticks his arm out from behind his crate and fires randomly in his direction. He draws his gun back.  
  
Louis: YOU FUCK KNOCKER!!!  
  
Louis then begins to fire randomly and absent-mindedly at the crate where Snake is. Louis pauses to reload, and Snake makes his move. Snake jumps up into a standing position and fires the rest of his clip at Louis. Bullets ram into his gut and chest. He falls over onto the floor and begins to spasm and cough up blood. He dies in a pool of his own blood.  
  
Snake: What a hack.  
  
So that's the end of this gay ass chapter. Stay tuned for the next chapter. If you've stuck with me this fare, you might as well stay till the end.  
  
[I couldn't post anything, working on my own fic right now . . . can anybody say 'shameless plug'? I can! Well fuck you assholes, it sucks anyways and I'm not telling you what it's called. So nyah. Ho-bags.] 


	16. Chapter 15

Chapter 15- ...

There is no, and never will be, a Chapter 15


	17. Chapter 16

Chapter 16- The Jackal  
  
Alright. Before we get started, this is one of the two serious chapters in MGZ. I know what your thinking: "WHAT THE HELL!!! I WANT MY FUCKING RANDOMNESS!!!" Don't worry though. Chapter 18 is probably has one of the most random plot twists ever (Yes. I wrote chapter 18 awhile ago). So, bear with me here until 18. So, we continue exactly where we left off. Snake continues to make his way down the corridor, and finds a big blast door. It reads level 5 security, and he wonders if the card he got at the other base will work. He draws the card and swipes it through the card reader. The doors open. The room is huge and not very well lit. The first thing which draws his attention is the enormous mass in front of him.  
  
Snake: Metal Gear.  
  
The new Metal Gear stands there like a giant hulking beast. The body of it looks similar to Metal Gear REX. The body is the only thing which resembles it. On its back, are two giant wings and its head is shaped as a Dragon's. The thing is tinted dark blue, except for the eyes. They are grey, and lifeless. The beast also has a laser rifle similar to REX's on its belly, and has the exact same arms as REX (machine gun on one, and missile module on the other).  
  
???: Your late.  
  
Snake looks in front of him and sees a man. It is Jackal, but he is not wearing his rich business type suit. In place, he is wearing a black trench coat which covers all other articles of clothing.  
  
Snake: The Jackal, I presume?  
  
Jackal: That is correct. Finally. A face to face meeting with the legendary Solid Snake.  
  
Snake: Well, I finally get to meet you. From what your men have said, you are one of the greatest soldiers who ever lived.  
  
Jackal: Is that what they say? I wouldn't go that far, but I do have combat experience.  
  
Snake: You don't like gloating about your skills do you?  
  
Jackal: That is correct.  
  
Snake: Same goes for me. So what is your deal with Zeal?  
  
Jackal: I am not here for power, money, or world domination. I am here because this is the type of place I belong. A place where people like me are constantly in battle. Battle keeps me alive you see. That is the only moment I feel alive.  
  
Snake: You and I are very much alike.  
  
Jackal: So I see. I'm impressed. Very impressed in fact. It will be a shame fighting to the death with you.  
  
Snake: Is that a threat?  
  
Jackal: No. Merely a statement. If we met at different terms, I'm sure we would have become great friends. But our jobs demand otherwise.  
  
At the end of this statement, he unties the front of his trench coat and lets it fall to the floor. Underneath, he is wearing a black muscle shirt, urban camo pants, and black army boots. The pants are not tucked in, so it is hard to see the boots. He is also wearing black fingerless gloves. He also has a shoulder holster on, with a holstered USP. He looks very much in shape. His muscles are big, but not as big as those uber-tough body builders. Just big enough to be impressive. He smiles warmly to Snake.  
  
Jackal: So, how do we fight?  
  
Snake: How about with fists?  
  
Jackal: Excellent choice.  
  
He unstraps his holster, and throws it to the other side of the room. Snake unholsters his gun and throws it across the room as well. Jackal gets in a fighting stance, and Snake does the same.  
  
Jackal: You can make the first move.  
  
To make sure this chapter isn't incredibly short and shitty like, we now switch to a different perspective. Homer and Ocelot stand in the control room, over looking STG and the battle between Snake and Jackal.  
  
Homer: Yes. That is STG. What you were created to protect and release its full potential.  
  
Ocelot: It can't be.  
  
Homer: But it is true. That is your nature. That is your purpose. Other than that, you are a worthless piece of scrap metal.  
  
Ocelot: But why was I programmed to help Snake?  
  
Homer: Because, what would be better than testing out STG, the perfect Metal Gear, against the perfect Anti-Metal Gear warrior, Solid Snake? It is perfect for combat data. Besides, it's fun.  
  
Ocelot: You're insane!  
  
Homer: And you're a tin can.  
  
Homer pulls out a small remote out from his pocket  
  
Homer: You try anything, and this will scramble your circuits. You will still be able to activate STG, but you will have no personality what so ever.  
  
Ocelot: Shiest.  
  
Homer: Yes. Now you obey. Heh. You amuse me very much. Now. We shall activate STG, and the whole world will see how powerful one machine could be.  
  
Back at the battle, Jackal and Snake stand there. There is a bruise on Snake's face and a cut on Jackal's. They stand there, again in fighting stance. Jackal charges towards Snake, but Snake easily dodges this. However, Jackal sends an elbow strike right the lower part of Snake's back. Snake stumbles forward a bit, and spins around quickly, delivering a spinning hook kick to the side of Jackals head. He is knocked over and spins in air before slamming on the ground. As soon as Jackal hits the ground, he pushes off it getting himself back on his feet. Snake sends a punch right to Jackal's face, as Jackal sends a roundhouse kick to Snake's ribs. Snake falls to the side as Jackal falls backwards. They both get up instantly and charge at each other. They both try to throw punches at each other with their right hands, but they both catch each other's punch with their left hand. Jackal then executes a front kick straight to Snake's stomach, and he doubles over. Jackal then does a sidekick straight to Snake's face, sending him backwards. Snake hits the ground hard, and starts to get up. He stands there looking at Jackal while wiping the blood from his lip.  
  
Snake: Heh. Your good.  
  
Jackal: So are you.  
  
So. WE NOW ARE DONE WITH 16!!!! Heh. 17 will come soon, I promise. Sorry it took so long for this one. 


	18. Chapter 17

Chapter 17- ... Part Duex

There also is no, and never will be, a Chapter 17


	19. Chapter 18

Chapter 18- German Heroes, Toilet Paper, And A Redneck

Alright. I have cut 18 into two sections. Since I was again having writers block, I just posted some random thing about horse fucking my editor and I wrote. Only reason why we did it is cause we are probably the only people with the balls to write a song like that. Anyways.

Jackal charges towards Snake again, head butting our hero in the stomach. Snake gets the wind knocked out of him and falls backwards. He recovers though fairly quickly and does a sweeping kick, knocking Jackal off his feet. Meanwhile, Raiden has washed the blood off of himself, and he, Seagal, and Ashley are waiting in the main control room.

Raiden: Damnit! Where the hell are they!

Seagal: Who knows. Who cares. They are probably dead, lying in a gutter.

Ashley: That wouldn't happen! Snake's skills are too good for that!

Raiden: Yeah! Besides, he is the bravest, truest hero ever! He can't die!

Seagal: Stop sticking up for him you fucking fag! And stop dreaming about sticking up IN him!

Raiden: Snaps out of a daydream THAT'S IT! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE CALLING ME A CIGARETTE! COME HERE BITCH! ITS GOING DOWN!

Raiden makes a random cat war cry, and tackles Seagal to the ground. He then proceeds to draw a knife from nowhere (probably from his ass), and starts stabbing Segal in the face rapidly. Happened to me once, I'll never call Oprah fat to her face again... Runs a hand over his scars, shudders

Seagal: OH DEAR GOD! STO-gurgle

Ashley, who really doesn't care for anything anymore, switched on the radio. The song "Felice Navidad" just happens to be playing. Ocelot and Homer continue to look onwards at the battle.

Homer: Pathetic, isn't it?

Ocelot: ...

Homer: Yes. It is. Heh. I swear, two men who live for battle. Don't you think they would have anything better to do with their lives. I hope Jackal wins however. I want Snake to pay for killing Uncle Jessie.

Ocelot:.

Homer: MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ocelot looks at Homer. He then realizes something. That he is a fucking robot and Homer is a short fat bald man. Ocelot walks over to Homer while he does his stupid laughing, and grabs him by the head. He then proceeds to attempt to pull Homers head off. As Homer chokes.

Homer: You. Heh.

He presses a button.

Homer: STG is now absorbing your energy, thus increasing its power. Once it has your energy, it will activate by itself and attack all the major world capitals.

Ocelot: Fuck you, asshole.

He simply pulls a bit harder, and off comes Homers head. Ocelot begins to feel weak, and then he knows there is only one thing to do. He grabs his shotgun off the table, and throws it through the window to the battle below. He then activates his self-destruct device, in hoping of destroying himself and the control center.

Meanwhile, Snake and Jackal continue to fight. Snake hears, and sees the shotgun hit the floor. He looks up and sees Ocelot. Before he could do anything, a huge explosion happens in the room where Ocelot is in. No robot could survive that.

Snake: OCCCCEEEEELLLLOOOOTTTTTT!

Snake stands there, shocked and amazed. Before he could morn the loss of his friend, STG activates behind him. Jackal and Snake turn and see the behemoth walk towards them. The cockpit opens, revealing the pilot of it. It is Hugo Butterbum.Remember? The roll of toilet paper with a face on it...I made it at school long ago...

Snake: What the hell!

Jackal: Likewise.

Hugo: MUWAHAHAHA! It was all too easy. I gave that dolt Homer the idea of creating STG! He was just a fucking pawn!

Snake: What the hell is going on!

Hugo: I am taking control of Zeal! That is what! I hate them!

Snake: So! Why make all this happen!

Hugo: It was a simple matter really. While Homer was a stupid dolt, I slowly tainted his mind. I wanted Zeal to gain control over the entire world. That has been their plan forever, but they had to gain the publics trust first by competing with Foxhound! But that changed when I found out Zeal sold me out to Foxhound. So my goals changed! I want to take over the world myself!

Jackal: You're insane! And, in some strange way I can't quite figure out, erotic!

Hugo: That may be so, but I have the upper hand gentlemen! I have the greatest weapon of mass destruction ever created! Yes, even better than George Dubya!

Snake: Jackal, your inexperienced with Metal Gears. Get the hell out of here.

Jackal: You know by allowing me to live, if you survive this we will fight again.

Snake: Yeah, but I don't want your help.

Jackal: Alright.

Jackal begins to leave.

Hugo: Hold it right there! You will not escape!

As Hugo prepares to fire missiles at him, Snake grabs the stinger Ocelot left him. He takes careful aim, and fires at the missile bay. It explodes and destroys the missile bay.

Hugo: DAMN!

He positions STG near Snake, and fires the rail gun at him. Snake drops the stinger and jumps off to the side. The moment his feet leave the ground, bullets hit where his feet were originally placed. They completely destroy the stinger, and almost all of the concrete by it. Snake proceeds to run.

Snake: Damn!

Hugo: HAHAHA! I told you that you could not win! Nothing can save you!

Snake runs behind several stacks of metal crates. He sees the remnants of the control room in front of him.

Snake: Ocelot. You sacrificed everything to stop the thing you were programmed to protect. I will not let you down! (Don't ask how he knows about it. He is the uber sexy Snake, so it doesn't need explaining.)

Snake sees Ocelots shotgun lying there on the ground. He snatches it, and runs a couple of feet. Bullets soar through the air above the crates. He hears a lot of them slam into the crates, and knows that they will not hold forever. He does a barrel roll out from behind the crates, and charges at it.

Hugo: AHA! Found you!

Snake runs forward, strafing left and right as bullets fly at him. He runs under the machine, and fires three rounds up into its belly. He then runs behind it and sees a fuel tank mounted on its back. He takes aim, and fires two more rounds at the fuel tank. It explodes, lighting the back of it on fire.

Snake: HELL YEAH!

Hugo: Damn! That won't stop me! There are two back up fuel tanks inside this thing! You shall die here today!

The machine turns around.

Snake: Shit.

It looks hopeless, but then a beam of white light slams into one of STG's arms. Snake looks to where the light is coming from and sees Jackal using the mounted laser gun on the catwalks above. He hears an automatic weapon going off behind him, and turns to see Raiden firing a M16 at the beast.

Hugo: Is that the best you can do! HA!

He fires off the machine gun towards Raiden. Raiden jumps, but gets a bullet in his leg.

Raiden: ACK!

Snake runs over, and pick ups the ninny and carries him off. Into the sunset, and our story ends here, with a new bridge between homosexuals and heterosexuals and action heroes forged, and- oh? It's not done yet? Shit. Sorry, James. Uh, moving on...

Hugo: Oh no! He is mine!

Another burst of white light fires at STG, distracting it. Snake successfully drops Raiden off in a corner, and takes the M16 from him.

Raiden: Don't get killed man, otherwise whose ass will I stare at?

Snake: Heh. You may be gay, but you can be cool sometimes.

Snake charges at STG and empties the rest of the clip into it. STG then fires a missile from its back at the laser mount. Jackal gets away just as the missile slams into the mount.

Hugo: HAHAHAHA! What are you gonna do now! You're all out of ammo.

The situation looked completely hopeless, when all of a sudden they hear the sound of a .357 magnum go off. Snake turns around and sees a man. He is fat and overweight (around 350 pounds), his hair is all stringy and grey, and he is wearing a white dress shirt which is all wrinkled and has some stains on it, black sweat pants, and black slippers. Embroidered on the shirt on loopy handwriting is the word 'Bob'.

: I knew dem Al-Queda was here!

He talks in a very southern accent. He fires the rest of the magnum at STG, and all of the shots hit it. All five slamming into the cockpit.

Hugo: AHHH!

STG wobbles a little, and it falls over. The fat man then walks off towards the door.

: Now time for some beer!

Snake walks over towards the remains of STG, and looks inside the cockpit. Hugo is sparking like crazy. Only one of the .357 rounds hit him, but it did enough.

Hugo: Hehhehheh.

Snake: What's so damn funny?

Hugo expires and dies, while an alarm sounds.

Alarm lady who we have heard in almost every video game: The self-destruct mechanism has been activated-

Chris Tucker type guy in a typical "angry black man" voice: Shut up, whitey! Why is it always the WHITE women get these parts? Ain't gonna happen no more! BLACK RAGE! Anyhow, y'all best run like a motherfucka is you want out. This place is wired more than those bleach-ass biatches who hang around that crackajack president of ours. Well, whaddayou waitin' fo'! MOVE, BIATCH!

Snake: SHIT!

Oh crap. This sucks! Snake and Co. only have 7 minutes to get out of the base before it explodes. This is gonna be tricky. Till next time fans.


	20. Chapter 19

Chapter 19- Escape From Gay Base 2 (Kurt Russel Not Included)  
  
Yes. THIS IS THE SECOND TO LAST CHAPTER IN MGZ!!!! WOOT!!! *plays fan fare* Ah. Perfect. I don't have to worry about shittin chapters out of me ass. Well. At least till MGZ2 is done. That I shall work on in the summer, due to the fact I want to get school done with without worrying bout this damn thing! Alright. So.  
  
Snake and co. start to run their asses off in an attempt to get out of the base before the 7 minutes are up. They have around. Oh. Lets say 5 minutes left on the clock, and they are still on basement level 2. Why? Cause just like any video game where a self-destruct sequence is activated, there are still the stupid ass guards who try to stop them, even if they die. Snake continues to fire the SOCOM he picked up back at the hangar, getting head shot after head shot. Jackal does the same, 'cept he is using a USP. Raiden is running up to the guards and clawing their faces open.  
  
Snake: This is incredibly fucking gay.  
  
Jackal: You said it.  
  
Raiden: HISSS!  
  
They finally reach the stairway, and they start to run up it, while continuing to kill all the guards they see. Finally, they reach the top of the staircase. Floor one. The angry black man informs them that they have "Three mothafuckin' minutes to get y'all bitch-asses OUTTA my fuckin' place before I call the cops and tell em' there's some unwanted WHITE BREAD on my sammich." Snake opens the door, and for some strange reason, they find themselves back at the STG hangar.  
  
Snake: What the fuck?!  
  
Raiden: SHIT!  
  
Jackal: Damn. It appears we have fallen into one of Homer's traps. He may have been a gay insane fuck nut, but he did have his moments.  
  
Snake: What the fuck are you talking about?!  
  
Jackal: Incase something like this happened, he told me he had it set up so that every stair case and elevator leading away from basement level 2, would just bring them back to basement level 2.  
  
Snake: Clever mo'fo..  
  
Raiden: Fuck.  
  
Angry Black Man: Man! What the fuck y'all still here fo'?! GIT OUT! Do NOT make me come down there!  
  
Snake draws his gun, and shoots the loud speaker.  
  
Snake: Better.  
  
Raiden: How much time we got left?  
  
Jackal: About one minute..  
  
Snake: Fuck.  
  
Jackal: You said it.  
  
Raiden looks across the room, and something catches his eye.  
  
Raiden: Now, I know my say isn't much, but why don't we try that door over there which has an exit sign above it?  
  
Snake and Jackal look at the door. They shrug.  
  
Snake: What else we got to lose?  
  
The trio runs over to the door, and breaks through it. The sunlight hits them, and they are somehow on the surface. They start to run away from the base, and Jackal looks at it as they run.  
  
Jackal: 3, 2, 1, 0..  
  
A loud pop is heard, and a small stream of smoke appears on the top of the facility.  
  
Snake: What the hell?  
  
Jackal:. That's what we get for getting cheap Mexican labor to install the self-destruct system.  
  
Wow. How anticlimactic..Till next week.  
  
[*Announcer voice* Was there REALLY no explosion? Will all the cheap Mexican labor reading this be offended? Can Goku and the Z-Squad defeat Mecha-Hyper-SSJ5000-Future Frieza's clone before he destroys the Earth for the fifth time this week? The answer is...Yes! But even though I just gave it away, you're going to tune in next time because you're a shameless, worthless fan! Find out on the next exciting episode of DRAGON BALL Z! *Echo effect, pause* ...Oh, shit. This isn't DBZ, is it? JAMES! Gimme the fuckin' script! *Grabs lines, clears throat* Ahem. Find out, on the next exciting episode of METAL GEAR Z...EAL!] 


	21. Chapter 20

Chapter 20- The Aftermath  
  
So. This is it. You people can finally live your lives in peace.. Wait. No you can't. THERE ARE STILL THE PATHETIC EXCUSES FOR SEQUELS WHICH NEED WRITING!!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! THE TORMENT SHALL, AND WILL (maybe) CONTINUE!!!!!  
  
The trio stands there, looking at the gay ass base. Snake stares at it. Jackal begins to walk off. As it so seems, Ashley some how didn't make it. It doesn't matter to Raiden and Snake. They then proceed to walk off into the sunset. Holding hands. They then go off an adopt a love child. They then live the rest of their fucked up lives in peace..  
  
The End  
  
[James, you FUCKING PRICK. Know what I recommended this ending to you as? A JOKE. Know what that is, James? You should, you ARE one! OD failure! You're a failure James, always have been and always will be. Ladies and gents of the audience, this writer of yours got second-degree burns all over his shoulders last year because he was STUPID enough to BE IN THE SUN for FIVE FUCKING HOURS. Wait, make that six. This frozen cunt of an author, this steaming load of jizz in a human form that learned to type, has failed you too it seems. Well, maybe he is James, and maybe he is the king of somebody's ass, but I'll not let this slide like a wet pussy across an ice rink! No sir! Hey, wait. That gives me an idea. If I freeze a test, does it become a testicle? Should Rabbis know Judo? Were there EVER, at any point, black people on "The Jetsons"? Well, no matter. James, you're a failure, a bitch, and one hell of a lover- uh, I mean... Just the first two. YOU FUCKING WALRUS PHALLUS! You ass dragon! You dick deployer! You anal archer! You ass assassin! You butt goblin! You dickweed elemental! You mannequin rapist, who rapes mannequins at midnight! YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS!] 


	22. The REAL Chapter 20

Chapter 20- The Aftermath  
  
The trio stands there, looking at the wreckage.  
  
Snake: Its over.  
  
Jackal: Not quite.  
  
Snake: Hmm?  
  
Jackal: We still have to continue our battle.  
  
Snake: Fuck.  
  
Jackal: But I'm too tired to... I shall simply say I lost track of you people when reporting to HQ, so... Till we meet again.  
  
Jackal begins to walk off.  
  
Snake: Hmm.  
  
Raiden: So it's over. I guess I shall report to Campbell.  
  
Raiden gets in the "codec crouch" (for those of you who don't know what it is, slap yourselves and re-read chapter 1)  
  
Campbell: What is it Raiden? You break a nail? Get all sweaty? I don't have time for your useless bitching! I have more important things to do!!!  
  
Raiden: Sir, mission completed.  
  
Campbell: Really?  
  
Raiden: Yes sir. Sex Toy Gear has been destroyed, and all the terrorists have been eliminated.  
  
Campbell: Wow. I never expected you to survive. Congratulations.  
  
Raiden: Thank you.  
  
Campbell: NOT!!! You're just a stupid fucking fag! You did NOTHING!!! Snake is the one who did all the work!!! Not you!!!  
  
Raiden: But!  
  
Campbell: SHUT UP!!! YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING FAILURE!!!!  
  
Raiden hears some strange female moaning in the background. He then hears a familiar voice.  
  
???: OH! Do it harder sir! Harder!  
  
Raiden: Rose?!  
  
Rose: Oh! Hi Jack! How are you?  
  
Raiden: Are you? Having sex with...?!  
  
Rose: I'm just getting to know Campbelley Wamsy a bit better. I found out that he has more of what a man should have than you.  
  
Raiden: What?!  
  
Rose: Talk ta ya later hun!  
  
Rose disconnects the codec. Raiden stands there stunned.  
  
Snake: Well I'll be damned. You do have a girl friend. Well. I'll see ya later Raiden.  
  
Snake begins to walk off. When he reaches the other side of the hill, he sees Ashley sitting there.  
  
Snake: Excellent... After a hard days work, nothing is better than a tight, hot  
  
puss.  
  
Snake walks over to her, and she sees him. She jumps up and starts to hug him.  
  
Ashley: Oh Snake! Thank the gods you are alive!  
  
Snake: I'm liking this.  
  
Ashley: Now we can do what was meant for us to do.  
  
Snake unzips his fly.  
  
Snake: Way ahead of you babe.  
  
Ashley: Come! LETS GO SAVE THE DOLPHINS!!!  
  
Snake: Yeah you dir-. What..  
  
Ashley: You and I shall save the dolphins, whales, and rain forests together forever!  
  
Snake:. No bitch. No.  
  
Ashley: Awww come on! We need to! This is our destiny! Imagine the fun! Tying ourselves to trees so they don't chop them down! Freeing sea animals from Sea World! Freeing animals from zoos! It will be the most amazing experience ev-  
  
A shot rings out, and Ashley falls down dead. Snake stands there with his SOCOM, the barrel is smoking.  
  
Snake: I said no bitch.  
  
Snake begins to walk off into the sunset, before walking back and picking up the body, muttering something about how he's got five hours before she cools down.  
  
Meanwhile, Jackal is walking in the forest, and he comes across a man. He is wearing a brown trench coat, and has blonde hair down to his shoulders. He speaks in a British accent.  
  
???: Well?  
  
Jackal: He was good.  
  
???: I told you.  
  
Jackal: He also, as you can see, let me live.  
  
???: That is a surprise in of itself. I suppose he always was the softer one.  
  
Jackal: Yes. I guess I might be placed in Zeal Team Bravo, along with you.  
  
???: Probably.  
  
Jackal: I hope I meet him again so we can continue our battle.  
  
???: Oh, I quite wish to meet him again as well.  
  
Jackal begins to walk off, but the other man stays there.  
  
???: I cant wait until we meet again. dear brother.  
  
Well. That's it. It's done. Fanfic is over.

Why the hell are you still here??

GO THE FUCK AWAY!!!

Will it make you happier if I type the words which need to be at the end of every fic and movie and game? FINE!!!

(Before that parting word, I should let you all know...I had to put up with SO much of James' shit to help him get this done. This guy has less grammar than a trained seal. To the point where I just said "Aw, fuck it" when dealing with half his mistakes. You would THINK, think mind you, that after me correcting his spelling of guard as 'gaurd' a BILLION FUCKING TIMES, he would get it straight. Anyways, a fine job he has done nonetheless, la'er.)

Fin 


End file.
